Any thinking person bases their political decisions solely upon the opinions of their favorite celebrities. The celebrity presidential endorsement presents a meaningless sideshow in a season filled with meaningless sideshows. What do the identities of celebrities who choose to endorse a certain candidate tell us about that candidate? What kind of influence will celebrities exert if their chosen candidate wins in November? Has Will.i.am played a hand in every major decision that the Obama administration has made? Let’s investigate by linking each of the Democratic candidates to a few celebrities who have thrown their support the candidate’s way.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie’s backers are no surprise, as many of the most politically active celebrities have celebrated the Vermont senator. Killer Mike has followed Sanders on the campaign trail, making several stump speeches in the South. Not only does this combo strengthen the Brooklyn-Atlanta corridor, as cited in Desiigner’s verse on “Panda/”Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 2,” but Mike and Bernie seem to genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Killer Mike, given the quality of his more political tracks, would be the most undeniably lit running mate in election history. Plus, the political revolution has no rules! It’s a political revolution!

Bernie certainly represents the Mac to Hillary Clinton’s PC, so Justin Long’s endorsement was always a lock. Other fans of Democratic Socialism include actors Susan Sarandon and Mark Ruffalo, who have never starred in a movie together. Under a Sanders administration, this will change.

Most importantly, Sanders has won the praise of both David Crosby and Neil Young, former CSNY bandmates who have been on rocky terms the past 40 years. If Sanders can reunite the greatest folk/rock quartet of the late-’60s, passing sweeping Wall Street regulation should be no problem.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary’s campaign has enormous support from the “musicians who will soundtrack slideshows forever” demographic, a.k.a Katy Perry and Pharrell. No songs embody Clinton’s desire to appeal to younger generations on the broadest possible scale better than “Happy” and “Roar,” the two least offensive songs ever recorded — see, I can fit two bits of hyperbole into one sentence. Clinton, Perry and Pharrell each rank among the best in the world at staying relevant. It makes sense for Perry to pick the establishment candidate in order to preserve her surprisingly-long run as just about the fourth biggest popstar in the world. Pharrell has similarly entered the safest portion of his career, and has therefore aligned with the conventional pick to win the White House.

I like to think that an early-2000s Pharrell would have sided with Bernie. Pharrell used to be a champion of all good things: Pusha T, unreasonably youthful facial features, pre-retirement Jay-Z and, one would assume, political revolutions. Now he airs toward the side of caution. We’ve lost fun Pharrell.

Martin O’Malley

Before O’Malley dropped out of the race, he received the endorsement of Boston punk band, the Dropkick Murphys. O’Malley used the Murphys’ hit “Shipping up to Boston” on the campaign trail, as did former Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon on his trips from the Fenway Park bullpen to the pitching mound. Unfortunately, the accordion-fueled banger wasn’t enough to secure O’Malley nor Papelbon the 2016 Democratic nomination for president. The point, as always, is that the Dropkick Murphys need to join the political revolution.