What I Learned in Bed

By Hannah Wydeven

Dear Hannah,
Is sex still enjoyable for a woman if a man achieves an orgasm before she does?
-Premature Pete

Absolutely not. Put yourself in her shoes for a second. You are having amazing sex with a girl, you are so close to climax, everything is feeling great, and then she just gets up and walks away. Or, the more likely scenario, she turns over and falls asleep before you can finish. Now, guys like to call that “blue-balling,” and there is nothing remotely satisfying about it. Women experience the same thing, though often men like to pretend that we don’t in order to make themselves feel better. There is something you can do, PP, if you find yourself popping early and your girlfriend is still wholly unsatisfied: get down there and finish the job. Even if you are exhausted, even if you have lost all ambition and you can’t imagine being horny again, give your girl the orgasm she deserves. If you don’t, you can say goodbye to sleeping with her ever again.

Dear Hannah,
I have been seeing a guy on and off for the last two years. Sometimes we will be together and everything will seem really great. He tells me how amazing I am, and how he loves being around me, etc. Then if I tell him how much I like him, or make any effort to be his girlfriend, he completely changes. He has told me before that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, but that he would be willing to see me exclusively. What does that mean? I like him, but I am not sure what to do about the mixed signals.
-Puzzled About Signals

It’s interesting that you say that your boyfriend is sending you mixed signals, because the signal he seems to be sending is, “Run away quick! I have major issues!” This dirtbag is using you and subjecting you to his commitment problems. As much as you think you like him, you need to dump his ass and move on with your life. Clearly he has no ability to give you the things you need, especially if he can only commit to “dating exclusively” and is horrified by the idea of being in a “relationship” with you. I don’t understand the difference, and I am sure that you don’t, either-and any attempt to therapize him won’t convince him otherwise.

It is not your responsibility to deal with his problems, and it is unfair for you to be subject to his emotional whim. Tell him you are tired of his mess and find the confidence to stay away from him. There are plenty of men at Macalester and elsewhere who would be more than happy to treat you with respect and love.

Dear Hannah,
Recently, a female friend of mine has shown romantic interest in me. I have never been with another woman before, but I have always wanted to try it. The problem is that she has said before that she is looking for a relationship, and I don’t know if I would like being with her enough/ if I want to be in a relationship enough to make her happy. Would it be wrong to hook up with her if I didn’t want to date her?
-Potential Affair

Just because this is a relationship between two women, PA, doesn’t mean that standard dating rules don’t apply. Leading someone on is just that-no two ways about it. If this girl has made it clear that she is looking for a long-term commitment, you have no right to use her as an experiment in sexuality. She doesn’t want to be your testing ground, only to find out later that it isn’t going anywhere. Not only will this hurt her feelings, but it will permanently damage your relationship.

From what I have heard, it is not uncommon for women around here to use out-lesbian women as objects upon which they can act out their fantasies. If both partners are willing participants, then the practice doesn’t have to be banned. But if you think that using a friend of yours to fulfill your desires and then leaving her in the dust is okay, then you’re way off base.

That doesn’t mean that you have to close every door with this friend, PA. It sounds like you have an intimate enough relationship that she feels safe enough to tell you her feelings, so you shouldn’t be afraid to do the same. Let her know that you are interested, but don’t be dishonest about your hesitations. If you tell her you aren’t ready for a relationship, then it is her decision whether or not she wants to move forward with you. Be honest with her and put her emotions before your own sexual fantasies.