By Anne Zander

To the ladies of the class of ’10:
I, as a female in the senior class, am part of a group of the severely disadvantaged. I am yesterday’s news, hackneyed and trite, a member of the has-beens and have-nots. The odds are already stacked against me with the percentage of men in my own class who prefer men and those guys still clinging to their high school relationships. I am plagued by the fact that it’s only mildly creepy for senior guys to hook up with freshmen girls while any attempt I were to make at a romantic endeavor with a younger man would be more than frowned upon. And now, for the third year in a row, I have been witness to the changing of the guard; the fresh-faced, barely legal girls pushing the women of years past to the back burner. I’ve probably fallen behind the stove.

From my vantage point, however, I have made a key observation. It’s October. The leaves are only beginning to change color. Winter is not yet upon us. And you, the newest women to join our collegiate forces, are making the rest of us look bad. You are still skinny. Like, I’m worried about your waify little figures blowing over at the unexpected exhalation of a sigh. And I’m even more worried about the way my classmates eye you, as if to grunt, ‘Mmm, fresh meat.’ So, maybe this request is for your own good, or maybe I’m just interested in tipping the scales a bit more in my favor, but would you please, for the love of god, just bite the bullet and gain the freshmen fifteen? This may seem out of line, but I’m really not asking for much. I’d settle for ten, even seven pounds. I don’t want morbid obesity. I just want a little bit of a beer pudge, some love handles sticking out of your lowrise jeans, a slight discrepancy in your height/weight proportions.
Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘This will never happen to me.’ But it will. So accept the inevitable and move on. If you’re feeling lost, like you’re just not sure how to mosey

down the path to pleasantly plump, I’d be glad to guide you with the following tips. Feel free to cut them out and tape them to your mirror:
You have 19 meals a week. Use them.

Food is not just for mealtime. You can eat when you’re stressed out, bored, or tired.

Butter. Put it on everything. Eat it plain. Share it with a friend.

When you’re just about to go to the gym, realize that you’d rather join your friends in the lounge where there’s pizza and a TV! Did you know your metabolism is even slower when you watch television than when you sleep?
Who says three meals a day? Why not six? Or ten?
If you ignore the bottom three tiers of the food pyramid, you’re still left with a viable pyramid of food.
Birth control: safer sex and a little more lady for the lovin’.

If you want to pull out the big guns and put on 20 or even 30 pounds, I’ll stand firmly behind you in that endeavor. I am here for you and your weight gaining experience. If you find yourself flustered or overwhelmed, simply remember to slow down, eat more, and exercise less. Because it’s good for you. And better for me.