By Katherine Tylevich

The problem: Valentineƒ?TMs Day came and went, but loneliness stuck around with you like an unwanted guest. What did you do? You made up an excuse to get loneliness out of your house ASAP! You were like, ƒ?oeSorry [yawn], but I have an appointment with the vet early in the morning or something, so, like [yawn], I better be calling it a night ƒ?݃?? and loneliness, totally insulted, got fresh with you and said ƒ?oedonƒ?TMt you mean you have an appointment with the doctor?ƒ?? so you yelled ƒ?oeUm, no! Are you calling me a liar? Too bad youƒ?TMll never know what an animal I am in the sack now! Get out!ƒ?? And then loneliness, all snide and shiz, retorted with an ƒ?oeExcuse me, I follow you to bed each night, and Iƒ?TMm the first thing you feel each morning, I know exactly what youƒ?TMre like in the sack: weepy and curled up in the fetal position.ƒ?? (Whoa, low blow!) So you were, like: ƒ?oeOkay, seriously? This is getting creepy. Get. Out.ƒ?? Awkward. It hasnƒ?TMt been the same with you and loneliness since.The solution: Snag a crush and join the Couples Club. ƒ?oeNo lonelinesses allowed!ƒ?? club policy reads. ƒ?oeDissatisfactions and persistent doubts welcome.ƒ??
Follow the this two-step, fool-proof, cutie-catchinƒ?TM advice, and youƒ?TMll be captain of this RelationSHIP in no time. All aboard!

1. Make an entrance no one will soon forget: Itƒ?TMs Saturday night, youƒ?TMre heading out for a chill-fest with the main crew whenƒ?”this just in!ƒ?”a friend texts you that your crush has been spotted at hangout headquarters. Youƒ?TMre so there! Metaphorically speaking, that is. Physically, you have yet to enter your budƒ?TMs two story duplex. No brainier, right? Just turn the handle and open the door like a ƒ?oenormal person.ƒ?? Sure, if you want your boo or boo-ess to think you hail from the Tropic of Boring, where the local language is Prude and the currency is No Sex Before Marriage.

Youƒ?TMre trying to make an impression, here. Do you want to come off like Play-it-Safe Jerry [Seinfeld], or are you more of a Doncha-Wish-Your-Significant Other-Was-Raw-Like-Me Cosmo Kramer type? Thought so! So get your hottieƒ?TMs heart thumping by jimmying a window open, climbing in and yelling ƒ?oeThis is a hold-up! Nobody move!ƒ?? No doubt youƒ?TMll be the center of attention, and your babe will be sweatinƒ?TM [for you] so hard, youƒ?TMll have to call an ambulance. Good thing itƒ?TMll already there! Trust us, along with two squad cars, the EMTs will show up at the duplex in no time and youƒ?TMll score major points with the ƒ?oepoint guardƒ?? of your court for being not only a riskAc risk-taker, but totally thoughtful as well. Do everything right and 9-1-[youƒ?TMve]-won your crush over!

Not so fast, though! Thereƒ?TMs no way youƒ?TMll pull off this devious deed without sporting the right devilish duds. For that not-to-be-missed mysterious look, you must wear your cutest full-face ski-mask (solid colors are in this February); be sure to accessorize with the trendiest hand-held weapon of the season. FYI: Gucci diamond-studded stun guns go on sale in a week. You heard it here first, crushers: your bust-in will be a bust without one!

And hey, Players on team Hard-to-Get, donƒ?TMt even think we forgot about you! If your steeze is being a total tease, we suggest throwing a brick through the window and making your crush come to you! Better still, scream ƒ?oeeverybody down!ƒ?? and watch the cuties come crawlinƒ?TM on hands and knees! In an effort to tackle and subdue you, of course. Kinky! Is that a little adrenaline-charged rumble we see on the ground there? This sultry stunt is easy as one, two, three, four-play!

2. Serve your main dish a dish: So your honeyƒ?TMs into honey-glazed ham? Your sweetieƒ?TMs into sweet and sour chicken? Um, why should you care? If this oneƒ?TMs a keeper, then youƒ?TMve gotta make a meal that guarantees that special someone will be spending the night ƒ?Ý even if it is in the bathroom vomiting.

Now, letƒ?TMs try this again: The boy next door gets mad acne at the very sight of strawberries? Well, tell him thatƒ?TMs raspberry pie heƒ?TMs wolfinƒ?TM, then cradle him in your maternal yet sexy arms when heƒ?TMs too embarrassed to show his swollen face outdoors, The girl from the office gets violently ill after so much as a bite of beef? Whoops! The box claimed it was a veggie-burger! Shed a few tears while holding her hair for the 48 straight hours she spends retching, and you prove to her that youƒ?TMre in it for better or worse. Not to go there or anything, but marriage material!

Say what? Your main squeeze or squeezette is a devil-may-care type with no known food allergies? No worries, we still got your back. Look to statistics for answers. Some foods score particularly high on the danger charts, and correct us if weƒ?TMre wrong, but isnƒ?TMt that your patronymic? Thatƒ?TMs right, Dangerovich, cook your cookie some particularly boney lake trout, or bake your baby some super-adhesive sticky buns, and watch your crush practically beg for your tender embrace! Some call it ƒ?oethe Heimlich Maneuver,ƒ?? we prefer ƒ?oefirst base.ƒ?? Mouth to mouth? Whoa, Babe Ruthless, is that you rounding second?

Added bonus: foods are scientifically proven to be aphrodisiacs! One whiff of whatever you got cookinƒ?TM, good lookinƒ?TM, and your hottie will quit the union just to be a worker in your ƒ?oeolƒ?TM factory.ƒ?? Ew, youƒ?TMre mackinƒ?TM on a Scab. Not cool.

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