Peg legs, parrots and … boobs? "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge


Young and old, everyone loves pirates. Pirates have won a special place in American culture, alongside beloved dinosaurs, unicorns and ninjas. These days, it seems like there’s a pirate for every occasion. Kids visit the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Teenagers honor National Talk Like a Pirate Day, a celebrated event on Facebook. And for the 18 and over set, there’s “Pirates,” the highest budget pornographic film ever made. Released in 2005, “Pirates” seemed to shed the forbidden stigma attached to pornography, claiming a spot in mainstream cinema. People openly watched it and talked about it, with screenings held on college campuses across the nation. The movie is even available at Blockbuster, on the shelf for everyone to see. One could argue that “Pirates” made pornography accessible to those who were too timid to witness the world of X-rated films. This fall, The Mac Weekly discovered just how accessible “Pirates” had become.

When Digital Playground, the production company responsible for “Pirates” and its new sequel, “Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge,” contacted The Mac Weekly offering a copy of “Pirates II” for review, the Arts section jumped at the opportunity. We watched the movie, determined to share our observations so that you can quell your curiosity without shelling out $69.95 for a copy-though if you like what you read, maybe the money would be well-spent. We doubt it, though.

I’ve never been a big fan of porn. I’ve seen it-assuming brief Internet clips and late-night HBO movies count as porn-but I’m by no means an expert. But while my knowledge of X-rated films is minimal, I’d like to think I know a thing or two about sex, and if watching “Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge” taught me anything, it’s that not all sex is sexy.

When I found “Pirates II” in my mailbox on the way to dinner in Café Mac, I had no idea what to expect. I opened the package at the dinner table to find an elaborately designed DVD box set including the actual movie and three discs of special features. The cover looked conventional-images of busty female pirates floating above an epic pirate ship. But on the back, there were stills from sex scenes. Everywhere I looked was genitalia, and when I looked closer, I’d find more genitalia. Soon my tablemates and I were engaged in a game of “find the penis,” scanning the box and discovering more and more people in increasingly compromising positions. Inside the set’s cover were full body shots of naked women, robots with perfect noses and giant silicone breasts. Needless to say, I raced home, plopped down on the couch and hit play.

I viewed “Pirates II” as a joke. My roommates and I made popcorn and giggled as the movie opened with a shot of a looming pirate ship. Ten minutes into the movie, I wasn’t laughing.

I am under the impression that porn is supposed to turn people on. Now, maybe I’m just too close-minded about sex, but there are a few things I like and dislike, and prior to watching “Pirates II,” I thought these preferences were fairly universal. I like variety and spontaneity. That said, I dislike anal fisting, spitting and cum on my face. In “Pirates II,” these three activities dominate all 11 sex scenes.

Like most mainstream heterosexual porn, “Pirates II” includes several girl-on-girl scenes, but I cannot call these lesbian sex scenes because each is clearly directed at men. The whole movie is one big montage of raunchy, rough, gross sex that despite its intensity remains boring and unimaginative. Somewhere around the fourth or fifth time I saw a liposuctioned lady stick her fist up another woman’s butt, I lost interest. And around the ninth or tenth time I watched men ejaculate all over women’s bodies, I was flat-out disgusted. I wouldn’t have made it through the movie without a male friend constantly reassuring me that no, this kind of sex was not hot and not characteristic of all porn.

Positions and sex acts aside, the worst part was the dirty talk: women were either fragile and weak, moaning about being dominated by “big daddies” and “masters,” or they were angry and violent, calling each other whores and other choice words. Put simply, the sexuality expressed in “Pirates” isn’t sensual or subtle. The sex is just pure rough-and-tumble fucking. However, there is one redeeming quality in the films’ sexual choreography, found in my favorite character in the film: Captain Edward Reynolds’ 11.5 inch penis. Take a moment to think about that-11.5 inches.

The movie is incredibly offensive for its blatant racism. One of the female stars is of Asian descent, and she plays a Chinese girl who cannot pronounce the letter ‘r’ and who frequently calls herself and her lovers “panda.” What’s more, the only African American person in the film is a slave on the pirate ship, with chains around his neck and wrists. I suppose it’s not porn’s job to be completely politically correct, but that doesn’t excuse unabashed racism.

Of course, porn can be watched in two ways: for entertainment and for arousal. As entertainment, “Pirates II” delivers. The special effects aren’t comparable to Hollywood blockbusters, but the explosions and ghost skeletons and ocean waves are decent. The plot is poorly thought out and tragically foolish, just like all those sci-fi movies that are so bad they’re great. The acting is off, with each line delivered mechanically and predictably-perfect fodder for endless laughter. Despite the gross parts, “Pirates II” is definitely entertaining. But the thing about pirates is that viewers laugh at it, not with it. Depending on your movie-watching style, this can be a good or a bad thing.