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The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

Helen Keller: American Hero or Filthy Communist?

By David Jonas

The life and times of Helen Keller have served as a source of inspiration for many throughout the world. But would people be so quick to level praise on a supposed role model if they knew the truth about her dark, dark legacy, one filled with hobogoblins, wizards, and Czars? Let us examine the facts closely in the hope that one day, the real Helen Keller will be exposed to the world:

Born in Tuscaloosa Alabama in 1880, Helen Keller, contrary to popular opinion, was not blind and deaf from birth. Much like autism or homosexuality, Keller developed her handicaps as the result of inner sin and an unclean soul.

Legend has it the Kellers visited Alexander Graham Bell in Washington DC for help concerning their daughter. Bell, inventor of the telephone and also an expert in educating deaf children, made several offensive jokes about how Helen could have simply phoned instead of traveling such a far distance. Bell proceeded to laugh and laugh and laugh, allowing him to take credit as the inventor of the ‘Helen Keller’ joke as well.

At age six, Helen met Anne Sullivan, a plucky young educator hell-bent on teaching the “spoiled brat” (her words) some manners. Oh, and sign langauge.

Sullivan asked the Kellers if she could isolate Helen in the family garden house down the road, but only after a long carriage ride intended to make Helen think she was far away from home, which if you think about it, is an incredibly cruel trick to play on a blind and deaf child.

After two weeks of little progress, Sullivan led Keller down to a water pump, and attempted to drown the little girl in a fit of frustration. Luckily, this taught Keller the word for “water,” which today is still articulated in sign language by clutching one’s neck, struggling to breathe.

The rest, they say, is history. Keller went onto Radcliffe College where she graduated with honors in 1904. In her time there, she learned several languages, including Latin, making her the first blind and deaf woman to waste a lot of time learning a useless, dead language.

Then, tragedy. With a college diploma in hand, Keller did what many self-indulgent academics do: join the socialist party. There she abandoned her honest, hard-working American ways, only to embrace and advocate such left-wing, lunatic fringe, liberal non-sense as women’s suffrage and birth control.

One need not look much further than a telling quotation of Keller’s to understand the great lengths she fell:

“Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”

What a crazy Leningrad nut-job!

Foolishly, our nation came to ignore this chapter of Keller’s life in the textbooks. Lyndon Baines Johnson, God rest his soul, did his best to cover up the truth by awarding Keller the Medal of Freedom in 1960, despite her attempts to destroy America. This manuever was copied by George W. Bush in 2003 when he awarded former CIA-director George Tenet the same medal, despite the fact that Tenet also hated America, what with 9/11 happening on his watch and all.

Still, the question plaguing historians remains: was Courageous Helen Keller from Tuscaloosa really Comrade Hellen Keller aus Yakutsk?

I asked Professor Elijah Roebucks of Washingon University in East St. Louis to weigh in on the great debate:

Jonas: “Thank you for your time.”

Roebucks: “My pleasure.”

Jonas: “Professor, would you say that Keller, drunk off fame and wealth, went mad with socialist power beyond her wildest fantasies?”

Roebucks: “Yes. Yes I would.”

And so the debate ends. Still, the mission of exposing the truth to the masses remains. I, myself, am doing my part, by holding protests at Keller’s memorial and burial spot at the National Cathedral in Washington, DC, which I am doing right now. Sure, people don’t seem to enjoy it when I scream “TRAITOR!!!” in their ears as they attempt to pay their respects. But dammit, if we don’t make a stand, doesn’t Stalin win out yet again?

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  • B

    Ben DoverDec 2, 2021 at 7:04 am

    I literally cannot tell if this is satire

  • J

    Jeff WilliamsFeb 2, 2021 at 7:18 pm

    Helen Keller wasn’t born in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. She was born in Tuscumbia, Alabama.