Gourmet Guide to Opinion

By Andrew Mirzayi

My favorite day to eat lunch by myself is Friday. Unlike most other days of the week when my only companions are my crippling loneliness and squirrel-killing body odor, on Fridays I can share my lunch with The Mac Weekly Opinion section.Nothing makes me happier than throwing my tray down on one of the small tables behind North (so no one can speak to me) and cracking open the sweetly-smelling paper like a delicious egg with a golden yoke of opinions.

Suddenly I am no longer a social outcast but an honored lord, hosting a great feast in a hall of genius Macalester students who join me for lunch and chat about their totally unique and insightful observations about how everyone at Macalester is liberal.

I love The Mac Weekly Opinion section. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
Timothy Den Herder-Thomas’s amazingly frequent opinions on the environment are like a crisp green salad. Sprinkled with well-researched points and convincing arguments like cheese and ranch dressing (sidenote: ranch dressing is amazingly edible when you are alone on a Saturday night and crying with your head over your sink). Unfortunately, like many salads, Timothy’s spectacular appetizer of sense is neglected for the other courses.

Sandwiched in there, between the entreaties to submit opinions articles, is a letter to the editor from some department that sounds vaguely important but no one really knows quite what they do (for example: the Bursar or Information Technology Services).

On the side, a Macalester student has some problem with something and complains about it. Toilet paper, ice, or Jell-o. It’s almost always unhealthily stupid, but delicious to digest. Sort of like trans fat-filled French fries. I’m sure the guy who writes these articles has my same odor problems too.

For dessert I am really glad that they are serving Matt Won again and as an editor too. That’s like the best thing since toasted bread.

Too long have we been forced to dine on dried out carrot cakes of clichs when Matt Won wants to serve us his delicious intellectual verbiage tiramisu. Don’t believe me? Matt has written the most beautiful sentence ever in the English language: “Pregnant ambiguity must be aborted or birthed, eliminated at any cost.”

Shakespeare is a fry cook compared to Matt Won, the Iron Chef, the filet mignon, the escargot.

Other menu items to enjoy: A sausage fest of male writers. CHEEBA’s half-baked ideas. Chicken a la Kings-are-just-a-social-construct. A salty letter demanding someone apologize for something.

I was starving this summer for opinions and I’m so happy to once again to sup on these delightful morsels.

Let’s hope I don’t get food poisoning.