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The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

Denmark Considers Raising Top Tax Bracket to 68%

By David Jonas

COPENHAGEN — In a long-planned move, the Social-Democratic Party proposed legislation that would increase the tax burden of the richest Danes by 7 percent.

“Oh my fucking God,” said Christian-Conservative Party leader Hans Gluckzeit. “This is the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard. I’m so pissed off; I’m shitting myself as I say this.”

The conservatives have been continually angered over the past 10 years as the Social-Democrats have funded their social-welfare programs with revenues generated by taxing the incomes of Denmark’s richest. Proponents of progressive taxes argue that the rich should carry the burden, as they have benefited unequally from society. Parliament member, Carl Jungerson, a senior Social Democrat, expressed concern that the conservatives might try to block the legislation on behalf of the business community.

“The Christian-Conservative are straight-up sluts when it comes to these rich bastards. They might be cool if they didn’t hang from corporate Denmark’s rather large and dangling reproductive organs,” said Jungerson.

When informed that Rep. Gluckzeit had condemned the tax increases as “reminiscent of fecal matter,” Jungerson replied:

“Hans Gluckzeit is probably the gayest person I’ve ever met. And I mean that in the most derogatory way possible.”

“I wouldn’t throw water on a Social-Democrat if he were burning alive in a brush fire,” countered Gluckzeit. “Seriously, if you were to tell me you were a Social-Democrat, I’d probably crush your skull in with a broken table leg. I’m just warning you.”

Denmark is world-renowned for its highly socialized welfare system, including free healthcare, free university education, and free bus-rides to and from local herring canneries. Despite these factors, a recent study by the World Economic Foundation in 2005 ranked Denmark as the fourth most competitive nation in the world. This is, surprisingly, not a lie, but an actual fact.

Hip-Hop entrepreneur Sean “Puff Diddy” Combs, a citizen of Denmark, weighed in on the tax increase from a hotel room in Odense.

“Man, this shit is bananas, and I don’t mean that positively. I’m trying to get paid. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. This is Denmark we be talkin’ about. But then you got these liberal mother-haters snatching at my chedda. That’s my chedda, man. I got kids to feed, and they eat chedda.”

The proposed legislation will be voted on some time in late March of 2006. Gluckzeit anticipates a hard-fought political battle that could stall talks on other issues.

“If I had to choose between letting this bill pass and nuking the entire world, I’d choose nuclear apocalypse. I would rather have everyone on the planet die from radiation poisoning than increase the rich’s tax burden. I’m not joking. Do you see me smiling? No, you don’t. I am more than willing to kill every child, born or unborn, on the planet to block this legislation. I want to make that crystal clear.”

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