The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

David Jonas Insults You and Your Major

By David Jonas

Japanese: Finally, a group of scholars who can translate “Voltron” faithfully. English: This might be impressive if English weren’t your first language.

Anthropology: You sure know a lot about cultures you indirectly help exploit.

Psychology: Studying other people’s mental problems must really help you ignore yours.

Women’s and Gender Studies: Wait, lesbians are people too?

German Studies: An acceptable field of study for Jews since 1945.

Chemistry: All I’m saying is there’s a fine line between lab technician and meth dealer.

Latin American Studies: Did you know they speak Portuguese in Brazil? Congratulations, you just completed the major.

Hispanic Studies: Did you know they speak Spanish in Mexico? Congratulations, you’re a double major.

Legal Studies: You’re going to law school anyway. Way to waste four years of your life, asshole.

Art: Do you consider yourself an artist? So does Justin Timberlake.

African Studies: The most uplifting, optimistic major EVER.

Philosophy: Here’s an ethical dilemma: why aren’t you a productive member of society?

Linguistics: Have fun analyzing those glottal stops when you’re deep-throating a fry-chef for twenty bucks.

Mathematics: Imaginary numbers? I guess your friends have to do math too.

Political Science: Can you write a check for $2,000? No? Why am I talking to you?

Neuroscience: You came to Macalester to study neuroscience? No brain surgery for you.

Theater: Denny’s is looking for someone to play an anthropomorphic Grand Slam Breakfast. If you play your cards right, it could be you.

Classics: Latin is dead. So are your career prospects.

Computer Science: I’m not sure how algorithms work, but if they keep internet porn free, keep shining on.

Creative Writing: And you wonder why you have all those scars on your wrists…

Humanities, Media and Cultural Studies: The difference between you and VH1? People once thought VH1 didn’t suck.

Geography: A GPS Navigation System is cheaper and

speaks in a less grating tone of voice.

Russian Studies: You were a lot cooler when you were threatening nuclear holocaust.

Environmental Studies: Somehow, God has imbued you with the knowledge that fish don’t like mercury.

Dance: People respect your art form. As a result, business men have no problem shoving ten-spots into your G-string, regardless of your discipline.

Asian Studies: “MSG and Opium: Asian Culture of the Last Three Millennia” is required reading.

Geology: Rocks. Cute.

History: Given the amount of events that have happened in human history, isn’t your subject a tad too ambitious?

Biology: By studying the miracle of life, you have obviously given up the chance of participating in its conception.

International Studies: What, one nation isn’t enough for you? You greedy, selfish bastard.

Sociology: Explain to me what you study, and I’ll devote time to ridicule you.

Religious Studies: Over four billion people believe in one invisible, omnipotent Supreme Being. Is it really useful to study this logically?

French: Do you admit it in public? I wouldn’t.

Physics: An anti-electron is an electron moving back in time. What this does for you is beyond me.

Economics: I’m sorry, I don’t speak Urdu.

David Jonas ’06 can be mocked at [email protected].

View Comments (3)
More to Discover

Comments (3)

All The Mac Weekly Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • F

    Fiona KerrSep 11, 2019 at 8:19 pm

    An added important part is that if you are a senior, travel insurance with regard to pensioners is something you should really take into consideration. The more aged you are, a lot more at risk you might be for having something negative happen to you while overseas. If you are definitely not covered by many comprehensive insurance plan, you could have quite a few serious complications. Thanks for revealing your good tips on this weblog.

  • J

    Joseph PeakeSep 10, 2019 at 2:08 pm

    woh I like your posts, saved to my bookmarks! .

  • G

    Gabrielle SutherlandSep 6, 2019 at 7:52 pm

    One thing I would like to say is before getting more laptop or computer memory, have a look at the machine in to which it can be installed. In the event the machine is usually running Windows XP, for instance, a memory threshold is 3.25GB. Adding above this would simply constitute some sort of waste. Be sure that one’s motherboard can handle the particular upgrade quantity, as well. Good blog post.