By David Jonas

Japanese: Finally, a group of scholars who can translate “Voltron” faithfully. English: This might be impressive if English weren’t your first language.

Anthropology: You sure know a lot about cultures you indirectly help exploit.

Psychology: Studying other people’s mental problems must really help you ignore yours.

Women’s and Gender Studies: Wait, lesbians are people too?

German Studies: An acceptable field of study for Jews since 1945.

Chemistry: All I’m saying is there’s a fine line between lab technician and meth dealer.

Latin American Studies: Did you know they speak Portuguese in Brazil? Congratulations, you just completed the major.

Hispanic Studies: Did you know they speak Spanish in Mexico? Congratulations, you’re a double major.

Legal Studies: You’re going to law school anyway. Way to waste four years of your life, asshole.

Art: Do you consider yourself an artist? So does Justin Timberlake.

African Studies: The most uplifting, optimistic major EVER.

Philosophy: Here’s an ethical dilemma: why aren’t you a productive member of society?

Linguistics: Have fun analyzing those glottal stops when you’re deep-throating a fry-chef for twenty bucks.

Mathematics: Imaginary numbers? I guess your friends have to do math too.

Political Science: Can you write a check for $2,000? No? Why am I talking to you?

Neuroscience: You came to Macalester to study neuroscience? No brain surgery for you.

Theater: Denny’s is looking for someone to play an anthropomorphic Grand Slam Breakfast. If you play your cards right, it could be you.

Classics: Latin is dead. So are your career prospects.

Computer Science: I’m not sure how algorithms work, but if they keep internet porn free, keep shining on.

Creative Writing: And you wonder why you have all those scars on your wrists…

Humanities, Media and Cultural Studies: The difference between you and VH1? People once thought VH1 didn’t suck.

Geography: A GPS Navigation System is cheaper and

speaks in a less grating tone of voice.

Russian Studies: You were a lot cooler when you were threatening nuclear holocaust.

Environmental Studies: Somehow, God has imbued you with the knowledge that fish don’t like mercury.

Dance: People respect your art form. As a result, business men have no problem shoving ten-spots into your G-string, regardless of your discipline.

Asian Studies: “MSG and Opium: Asian Culture of the Last Three Millennia” is required reading.

Geology: Rocks. Cute.

History: Given the amount of events that have happened in human history, isn’t your subject a tad too ambitious?

Biology: By studying the miracle of life, you have obviously given up the chance of participating in its conception.

International Studies: What, one nation isn’t enough for you? You greedy, selfish bastard.

Sociology: Explain to me what you study, and I’ll devote time to ridicule you.

Religious Studies: Over four billion people believe in one invisible, omnipotent Supreme Being. Is it really useful to study this logically?

French: Do you admit it in public? I wouldn’t.

Physics: An anti-electron is an electron moving back in time. What this does for you is beyond me.

Economics: I’m sorry, I don’t speak Urdu.

David Jonas ’06 can be mocked at [email protected].