Ask Alice

By Alice Anigacz

If I live in a co-op, and no one will cook me any meat, how can I sneak some bacon into the meals?
I’m assuming that you mean you live in the Veggie Co-op. Although you could just slip real bacon bits into the salads (which you would have to play off as vegetarian seasoning) and make some suspiciously beefy eggplant cutlets on the nights that you cook, there is an ultimately wiser solution. Why bother keeping up a front with your roommates when you can get them on your side? Praise the glory of meat and make your roommates realize their wrongdoing. Preach to them about its succulence. Slip some pork into the bathroom and let the steam from the showers raise its sweet aroma into the air as your protein-deficient pals bathe. In their drunken moments of low self-control, give them meaty dumplings to finish off their tequilas with instead of limes. Though they may cry “animal-loving” tears as they realize what you are fooling them into doing, you will know that the true reason they are tearing is because they feel guilty about their—and every human being’s—deep inner love of meat. You may have to deal with roommates trapped in a vicious cycle of gorging on meat and then hating themselves for doing so, but at least you will get that little bit of meat that you so desperately need. Next time, don’t live in the Veggie Co-op.
I have a fetish for zombies, how can I fulfill this fantasy?
Since there is actually zero chance that you will ever encounter a zombie, it would probably be best for you to stop being such a sci-fi freak and perhaps think about normal men or women. Unless, of course, you want to be 70 years old and reflect on the peak of your sexual life as a time of jerking off into old socks while watching horror movies in your mother’s basement.