A tea party without crumpets or a point

By Katie Havranek and Marissa Warden

A tea party to protest taxes? What a truly novel idea. Wait, haven’t enraged citizens done this before, back in Boston around 1773? Somehow we doubt that years of oppressive rule of George III are comparable to Obama’s economic plan, however similar their physical appearance may be. On Tax Day, a horde of conservatives gathered in Lafayette Square to throw a million tea bags on the ground in protest of Obama’s tax plan. We were not aware that the Celestial Seasonings tea we bought was being unfairly taxed. Unfortunately, we think those zealous tea-baggers (no, not that kind of tea-bagger) were mistaken, the purpose of the Boston Tea Party, which they are attempting to emulate, was to protest taxation without representation in the hopes of attaining liberty, not a dissatisfaction with government spending of their tax dollars. If they feel they are being underrepresented then perhaps they should have chosen a different maverick to run in 2008.

In 1773 the colonists destroyed 342 chests of tea without any intention of cleaning the previously blue harbor and completely disregarding the affects caffeine would have on sea life. Our new tea baggers were a more considerate bunch. They first laid down a tarp upon which they threw dry tea bags. They were even so kind as to pick them up afterwards. Huh, that’ll show ’em.

Though the radical colonists, dressed as Native Americans, used extreme measures to send a message to tyrannical George III, we somehow doubt that personal attacks at what was surely an unflattering white wig were made. The modern-day protestors yelled such clever phrases as “Don’t Talk to Me! I Forgot My Teleprompter” and “The Audacity of Dope.” Correct us if we are wrong, but Obama’s past does not have any relevance to the stimulus package, and he was sober while creating the economic plan.

In an actual attempt to criticize Obama’s economic plan, one protester held up a sign with the message, “My kids growth stunted by your stimulus.” In reality, the plan is designed to invest more in education and healthcare reform, two things that would more than stimulate a child’s growth.

The tea baggers, as they refer to themselves, were promoted by the “Fair and Balanced” Fox News Network which proceeded to shamelessly cover the event all day. More than 700 “tea parties” took place all across the country. Texas Governor Rick Perry went so far as to shout “Secede!” while waving the U.S. flag at a tea party in Austin.

Though the event was advertised as a grassroots project, some argue that it is actually an Astro Turf movement because big conservative groups like FreedomWorks allegedly designed the protests. Well, at least the protesters are sticking it to the Man free from institutional influence. All the Joe-the-Plumbers of the world unite against the big bad doped up Barack Obama!