By Delanee Hawkins

For many, food and sex respectively rank as the greatest pleasures in life. Some ambitious souls may even try to combine the two delights in an attempt to reach the highest plane of human ecstasy. Unfortunately, the reality of this union often falls short of expectations and can even lead to infections or other complications. In this week’s exciting installment, a guide on how to successfully unite coitus with cuisine, 100% yeast infection free.

No food (including conveniently-shaped vegetables!) should be inserted into the rectum or vagina without considering the risks involved. Each of these orifices is lined with a mucous membrane that is particularly vulnerable to yeast and bacterial infections. Sugary foods like candy or fruit can cause yeast infections and, in the vagina, bacterial vaginosis. Yeast infections can occur in both the anus and vagina, but the latter is much more vulnerable due to its carefully self-maintained environment. The main symptoms of yeast infections include severe itching, redness, inflammation and pain during intercourse. In the vagina, yeast infections can also cause thick, white, often odorless discharge. Yeast infections are completely curable but can be quite uncomfortable and distressing while symptoms are active. Bacterial vaginosis is caused by bacterial or pH imbalance in the vagina, most often because of douching or insertion of foods. Unlike yeast infections, vaginal discharge from bacterial vaginosis will often be yellow or gray and have a strong unpleasant smell. Even non-sweet foods like savory sauces or washed vegetables can carry bacteria that can cause these infections, particularly in the vagina, which does not experience the same range of microfauna as the anal cavity.

Beyond the basic ground rule against insertion, the outside of the nether regions can also be vulnerable to improper food use. Often, people will test the temperature of a heated sauce or liquid with their fingers and expect the sensation to feel the same when transferred to the genitals or anus. These areas are among the most sensitive parts of the body and can be particularly vulnerable to burns from heated sauces or liquids that which merely felt warm when tested with the hands. In addition to temperature burns, both the internal and external pubic zone can fall victim to chemical burns caused by spicy or sour foods or alcohol. Introducing strong spices like cinnamon onto mucous membranes can cause excessive dryness and an acute burning sensation that will be anything but sexy, no matter how kinky you might be. Alcohol, especially the strong stuff, can also lead to chemical burns, particularly when poured over/into the vagina.

On a logistical level, keep in mind that certain oils can cause degradation in latex, of which most condoms and dental dams are made. Oils, liquids, sauces and creams can also be extremely difficult to clean out of orifices and genital nooks and crannies. Try and keep substances like these above the belt where they can’t cause so much possible damage. Don’t forget that if (especially unprotected) penile penetration into the vagina or anus is happening at any point, the penis involved also needs to avoid contact with food, as the sugar or bacteria can easily transfer during intercourse. If food insertion happens to be a fantasy of yours, minimize the risk of infection by wrapping that snack up in a condom or using another barrier method. The bonus: you can take it out afterwards and bring it for lunch! Zero waste by 2020.

I’ll end with a collection of food and sex tips from Cosmopolitan (of course) and you can treat it as a pop quiz by listing all the reasons why each “tip” is a Very Bad idea. Suck a warhead until it’s able to leave residue on your body and then rub it on places where you want your partner to lick; Spray each other with Hot Tamales Cinnamon Candy Spray; Put a frozen grape in the vagina as foreplay; Chew a mango or other soft fruit and keep the mush in your mouth while performing oral sex; If at least one penis is involved and oral sex is on the table, slide a doughnut all the way down to the base and eat it off.

Food and sex can be a fun combination if used correctly, especially for people looking to spice things up in the bedroom without spending too much money, experiencing too much pain or requiring a long-term trusting relationship with a sexual partner. Keep in mind that all sexual encounters require personal analyses of risk and reward to determine if the level of pleasure outweighs the possibility of negative consequences. Though I really would avoid that Hot Tamale spray.

Questions? Comments? Insults? Email [email protected] but remember that it won’t be anonymous.