Trader Joe’s Maple Leaf Cookies a.k.a Frosting Torture

KR: From four inches away this sweet thang sure is …pungent. He is the drama queen, always the one to search out the spotlight, at whatever cost. On the outside he is one suave-looking dude, but as you approach, he simply reeks of cologne. His is the Abercrombie and Fitch of the cookie world, the one always armed with a bottle of his fave scent. The ladies swoon whenever he enters a room, but unfortunately it is not due to his immense swag. It is that his stank simply overwhelms them (three to four trips to the hospital is the norm on any given night).

AK: Carhartt sportin’, black coffee sippin’, this dude has the most coiffed hair on the ski slopes. Let’s be honest, you dig it—even if he does stink a bit underneath those thick layers of long underwear. His Axe just isn’t cutting it today, but you don’t mind because his knit sweater is the perfect amount of neon and nordic. If you can’t keep up with his high-speed, black-diamond lifestyle, you might be able to catch him flippin’ pancakes (or should I say mancakes?) at the Northern North America Diner, helping the elderly train their huskies, or tutoring kids in tree tapping. Want to befriend this Canadian heartthrob? Ask him about his mittens (he knit them himself!).

MJ: Wiggitty-wiggitty-wow. The pure shape of this guy is breathtaking—his veiny figure and pale skin makes this girl swoon Edward Cullen-style. He’s got the kind of tough exterior that’s interesting yet inviting, letting you know he exfoliates with his mother’s loofah in the shower every morning, but hasn’t quite made it to the moisturizing stage. But this cookie’s got the heart of an angel: a soft interior that resembles Joe Klein’s smize. He’s a little rough around the edges, but this cookie would make a great date to the Canadian prom, eh?

JH: EW. ew.

JG: Ughhhhhhh get me out of here. This cookie is the worst Disney World ride since Space Mountain. Last week I made a collect call to my nephew and he couldn’t make it to the phone because he was too busy yacking his brains out after mainlining a couple of these fascist treats. This fall “snack” is wanted dead or alive for taking your mouth on a trip down memory lane (that is, if memory lane translates in English to Hell!). I’m fed up. If this maple leaf cookie steals away Julianne Moore’s first Oscar for her role in Still Alice, I will burn the Trader Joe’s’ dessert section to the ground. And not in a fun way.