Halloween candy: The definitive power rankings

The obvious best part of All Hallow’s Eve is the candy, not dressing up or the decorations or seeing your cute neighbor dressed up as a Despicable Me minion. IT’S THE CANDY. In honor of candy, the fruit of all ages, the sustenance that really keeps us going, I have decided to rank some of the common Halloween candy that you’ve probably been collecting every October 31 for the past 18 years or so. The candy that is part of the list are some of the common ones. There are definitely some better options, but they are also rare. I decided to focus on the basics.

13) 3 Musketeers. The epitome of mediocrity. The lowest-ranked candy on the list cannot be worse than mediocre. After all, it’s still candy. There is only one redeeming quality about 3 Musketeers. If you were to fall asleep with any candy in your mouth, the 3 Musketeers would definitely be the safest choice. There’s nothing inside, so you can’t choke on anything! Just airy brown, “chocolatey” stuff. While 3 Musketeers kind of suck, if I happen to have one in my hand, I’ll still eat it. No doubt.

12) Twizzlers. I usually only eat Twizzlers when I go to the beach. They taste infinitely better with a good swipe of sand on them. Some people swear by them. I would definitely consider them to be parent candy. When you came home and your parents asked what you got, you always give them the Twizzlers. That’s if you don’t love your parents. I gave mine Snickers and Milky Ways and gave the Twizzlers to the pet turtle. It helped his indigestion…

11) Hershey’s/Kisses. C’mon. Just a generally disappointing candy to receive. The only way receiving a Hershey’s is worth it is if you get a white chocolate cookies and cream piece. That is a big win. A huge win actually. Getting one of those bad boys constitutes a “save until November 2” candy. The white chocolate is worth some delayed gratification.

10) Crunch. Unless you live for Rice Krispies, just…blegh.

9) M & Ms. Not a bad candy, but I also think dressing up as an M & M for Halloween is a better idea than getting them in your basket—unless it’s peanut M & Ms. Those are hittin’. The more blue M & Ms the better. M & M blue is one of the best blues. So if you receive regular M & Ms (small pouch of course), then hope for blue simply for aesthetics.

8) Milky Way. A step up from the 3 Musketeers and a great option if you don’t do nuts. The Milky Way Midnight is an even better treat than the milk chocolate one. I prefer dark chocolate because it’s not quite as sweet. It’s not real dark chocolate so it’s still plenty sweet. There is still too much nougat in it.

7) Skittles. There are some people out there who just love Skittles. I will pop ’em in my mouth at the same rate as anyone, but “Skittles Mouth” is so real. After eating a couple handfuls, they all begin to taste the same and there’s a thick sugar juice that just begins to sit in your mouth. That’s my experience at least and I do not wish it on anyone.

6) Kit-Kat. Similarly to Snickers, Kit-Kats are good at any time of day. I really enjoy disconnecting the wafers and building little squares with them. Chances are high that, like Snickers, your Halloween baskets will contain Kit-Kats that come in groups of two. Additionally, the chocolate on Kit-Kats always tastes smoother and richer than most other candies.

5) Starburst. Fruity! Juicy! Carthartic! I found myself craving Starburst the other day. So I found the nearest vending machine and spent the best dollar of my life. If you do not like lemon Starburst please send them to my SPO. In my humble opinion, Starburst is the best common fruit candy. Unless the house you trick-or-treat gives you a full sleeve of Starburst (if they do, they deserve a Nobel Prize), you will probably receive smaller pack with two Starburst.

4) Butterfinger. One of the most interesting textures in candy. The inside of a Butterfinger is brittle, delicate, rich and just so damn tasty. The key is that they don’t overload the candy with too much chocolate. The thin layer of chocolate is really the perfect amount. Like Reese’s and Snickers, Butterfingers belong at the top.

3) Snickers. The only way to offset to the presence of nougat is through caramel and a presence of nuts. Snickers does the job. From the age of three, through puberty, to now, as a man, I have found Snickers to be the most consistently yummy candy on the market. Perfect for the post-hike snack, for breakfast or to melt on ice cream, the Snickers bar will always hold a place in my heart. In my experience, dads usually really like Snickers.

2) Almond Joy. I really enjoy Almond Joys. First of all, I appreciate the risk that the makers the candy took when they came up with the innovation: “Let’s put one perfect almond inside.” ALMOND. That’s high society stuff, folks.The moist coconut also makes it distinctly different than any other candy. If Almond Joy had its own juice, I would definitely rub it on my body for moisturizer: “Almond Joy Butter.”

1) Reese’s. If I could have a year supply of any candy (about four packs a day would suffice), I would definitely choose Reese’s peanut butter cups. The ridges that outline the perfect circle that is the peanut butter cup give me chills everytime I bite into one. They also come in mini-sizes (the lil-baby guys in shiny wrapping) that come in special orange and black packaging for the holiday. Really the perfect size to inhale them. After an hour, you’ll find that you’ve eaten about a dozen of them.

Unless you have a peanut allergy (my condolences), collect them, hoard them. Assuming you have nine, set up your peanut butter cups as if they are baseball players on a field.

So there you have it, the first ever Halloween Candy Rankings. Happy trick-or-treating. And remember, it’s not about the costume, the decorations or spending time with friends. Candy is what really creates memories. Eat lots!