‘Wichcraft: The Rachel sandwich


Rachel Auerbach takes a bite.

photo 2 (1)

Last semester we questioned Cafe Mac’s decision to serve us Rachel sandwiches. But, upon further investigation, we realized that the Rachel sandwich is, in fact, food… not humans. So, we decided to take a stab at the Rachel sandwich. But not a literal stab. That might be painful. After researching the recipe, we had to improvise some of the ingredients given Cafe Mac’s limitations. We swapped coleslaw for sauerkraut. After all, Cole’s Law dictates that cabbage should not be eaten pickled (sorry, Portlandia). Make-your-own thousand island dressing can be concocted with mayo, ketchup, and pickles. And to avoid getting into a pickle like we did, make sure to finely chop the pickles before adding them to the “dressing.” Slather that on the turkey, cheese and bread, and toss it in the panini press. Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble… you have your Rachel sandwich!

Rachel W: It’s a new kind of cult. If having three Rachels wasn’t confusing enough, we’re now eating ourselves.

Rachel L: If you ate yourself, would you disappear or become twice as large?

Rachel A: We should’ve put Rachel’s chips in here.

Rachel Ladd eyes the creation.
Rachel Ladd eyes the creation.

Rachel L: Why is everything food-related named Rachel?

Rachel W: We could make an entire Rachel meal!

Rachel A: Rachel sandwiches, Rachel chips, and … Rachel sandals (they’re real, but not edible).

Rachel L: Someone needs to say something about cannibalism in here.

Rachel A: Why don’t they just leave us Rachels prov-alone and eat other people?

Rachel Auerbach takes a bite.
Rachel Auerbach takes a bite.

Rachel W: Well that was cheesy.

Rachel L: It kinda tastes like a wannabe Rachel sandwich.

Rachel A: It’s just sour because it doesn’t have any sour-kraut.

Rachel W: This is not what my inner sandwich feels like!

Rachel L: There are so many other potential sandwich names….

Rachel W: Hannah could be hummus and banana…

Rachel A: A Brian Rosenberg sandwich would be Brie on Rye with a Burger!

Rachel L: For a timely sandwich, try the Deli-Llama.

Rachel Wilson peeks up from her tasty treat.
Rachel Wilson peeks up from her tasty treat.

Rachel A: I Ti-bet it’ll be delicious.

Rachel W: You’d have to use holy cheese on that one.

Rachel L: … If you’re counting calories, be sure to use I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buddha!

Rachel A: If you buy this sandwich, don’t ask for change— change should come from within.

Buddhists believe that to eliminate suffering, you have to eliminate desire. Regarding the Rachel Sandwich, we believe in eliminating the coleslaw. Overall, the Rachels were unimpressed. The name’s great, but the sandwich? Not so much. We seek higher standards for our name.

‘Til next time,

The Rachels