‘Wichcraft: a satirical sandwich review

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Welcome to ‘Wichcraft! We Rachels are here to bring you the latest news on sandwiches at Macalester. Satirically, that is. Because as we all know, sometimes you just have to get creative at Cafe Mac. United by our names, love for sandwiches, and obsession with puns, we decided that, based on our observations at the panini press, that Macalester sandwich-makers are truly artists and deserve a spotlight of their own. Based on NPR’s Sandwich Monday blog, we sand-witches bring you a review of the ultimate breakfast sandwich.

For the inaugural sandwich, we let our imaginations go wild. Upon entering the jungle that is Cafe Mac, we were dismayed to find the sandwich section of the salad bar empty. Instead, we improvised, and with help from our favorite Cafe Mac employee, we constructed our masterpiece.

Rachel A.: If you only ate this forever, you’d be fine since it has all the food groups. It really is a balanced breakfast.

Rachel L.: But not so balanced that this Leaning Tower of Sandwich wouldn’t topple over if you sneezed on it.

Rachel A.: …But you won’t sneeze on it, because its nutritional power cures all illnesses.

Rachel L.: It has a gravitational pull all its own. Let me just unhinge my jaw.

Rachel W.: I feel like it’s a whole new era of breakfast. We’re break(fast)ing into new territory!

Rachel L.: I think something fell out.

Rachel A.: No, that’s just your dignity.

Rachel L.: If you eat all of this in one sitting, you should get your name in the hall of fame and an automatic enrollment in your nearest Weight Watchers.

Rachel W.: And since you’ll collapse into a food coma after a couple of bites, the rest can be a pillow!

Rachel A.: What if someone had to eat this whole thing? How waffle.

This massive sandwich didn’t taste as bad as it looked, but its size made it difficult (and disgusting) to eat. On the upside, if you’re looking for a good Valentine’s Day treat, this’ll give you lots of love… handles. We sure got a lot of (lucky) charmed looks! We’d recommend using only a bit of syrup and maybe only half a waffle, but if your “Which Parks and Rec character are you?” Buzzfeed quiz can’t decide between Ron Swanson’s bacon and Leslie Knope’s waffles, this just might be the sandwich for you.

‘Til next time, The Rachels