What I learned in bed with Hannah Wydeven

By Hannah Wydeven

Dear Hannah,
My boyfriend doesn’t go to Mac, and one night on the phone he asked me how I “get by” when he’s not around. I stupidly, drunkenly admitted that occasionally I listen to MP3’s of British men talking dirty online. He laughed at the time, but apparently did some research because he found the site. Now he seems threatened because they [the British men] describe sex in ways we never do it. I wouldn’t actually want to! I tried explaining that I know he looks at porn and I know he doesn’t want our sex life to directly mirror that, but he seems shaken. I never meant to hurt his feelings, but I’m also annoyed because, well, he asked!! He’s a great lover! How do I restore his confidence and get him to understand that our sex life (despite the distance and without the accent) is satisfying?
IpoderoticaYour boyfriend’s jealousy of your dirty talk MP3’s is likely more related to the insecurities he is feeling about the distance between you two than they are about the porn itself. But now he has projected all of those insecurities into this very specific topic that you have to deal with. He is probably afraid of losing you to very real men that you see on a daily basis at Mac, but only knows how to express it by getting angry about these very unreal British fantasy men. When you talk to him about this issue, know that there are likely other issues attached to it that you will have to deal with later.

In terms of reconciling his anxieties about your fantasy Brits, I think you have done a good job so far by explaining to him that your fantasies are just that, fantasies. All of us have certain fantasies that serve several purposes. They allow us to comfortably explore elements of sexuality that may never actually be acted out in real life. Fantasies are a safe way of trying things without actually needing to try them. They can also provide an exciting escape into something new, something taboo perhaps or unimaginable in everyday life. Try explaining this to your boyfriend. Tell him that he needs to trust you and give you the space to have your own fantasies just like you have allowed him and that it shouldn’t be a threat to him.

You also need to explain to him that just because you sometimes listen to British dirty talk doesn’t mean that is your sole method of arousal. There are lots of things that turn you on, including your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is probably jealous because he feels like he is not enough for you if you need Brits to turn you on when he’s not around, but that it completely unfair to you and to your position in the relationship. You have every right to get off using hot British dirty talk, and your boy needs to understand that it’s not going to interfere with your relationship.

He also might continue to bring it up because he is not sure how to express to you that he wants to talk about his fantasies. Try asking him what kind of porn he actually looks at, what it takes for him to “get by” when you’re not around. If you haven’t asked yet, he is hoping you will, which is why he brought it up in the first place. Likely he is not masturbating to a picture of you (I hate to break your heart), so by understanding what it is that turns both of you on when the other is not there will put you back on level playing field.

The two of you need to learn to be more open about your sexuality so that when you actually get to see each other you feel totally comfortable and satisfied. Acting on one of your fantasies might be just what the two of you need to feel more secure about your ability to fantasize and still maintain a strong healthy relationship. Asking him to talk to you in a British accent will make him part of the game, and he won’t feel as left out of your fantasies. You could do the same for him when you find out what trips his trigger.

In the end, fantasizing is the least harmful thing you can be doing while your boyfriend is away, and if he can’t accept that, it reflects a genuine immaturity on his part. Don’t think that it is just a stupid drunk move to tell your boyfriend what get’s you off, you shouldn’t have to feel ashamed for your collection of dirty MP3’s. Being open about your fantasies will strengthen your relationship if your boyfriend will just stop being a jealous ass and talk to you about it in a respectful way. If you’ve done what you could to tell reassure him of your devotion as a girlfriend despite your fantasies, then the rest is up to him.