What I Learned in Bed

By Hannah Wydeven

Dear Hannah, A few weeks ago I started my first lesbian relationship. My girlfriend is experienced, but I’ve only ever been with men. I’ve never gone down on a girl and I have no idea how! I’m fine with my hands because I’ve had years of experience on my own equipment, but I have no idea where to start with my mouth. I can’t ask my friends for tips, because they don’t know I’m with a girl, and porn & women’s magazines are totally unhelpful. I feel like I’m just supposed to know how to do it well. Help!

Tongue-Tied in Turck

Good for you for being so proactive in your relationship, TTT. That’s the first step to being a great sexual and emotional partner. One thing really concerned me about your question, though: why don’t your friends know about your girlfriend? Don’t keep this relationship a secret because you are concerned about what your friends might think of you. If you aren’t being open about your new love, you and your girlfriend might end up resenting each other for it. Telling your friends shows your girlfriend that you’re not ashamed of her, and it will bring you much closer. The best thing about our little community is that people are pretty accepting. Some of your friends might initially be uncomfortable, but give them time and space to sort out their feelings. If your friends can’t accept this expression of your sexuality, then ditch them, they’re not worth your time.

Every new experience comes with certain apprehensions and fears, specifically sexual experiences. We all have to learn one way or the other, and there isn’t one right way to do that. Unfortunately, TTT, porn and magazines are not the best way to figure these things out. Besides the strange power dynamics and a host of other problems that porn perpetuates, it’s also not realistic. Most people don’t have a two-sided dildo sitting in their nightstand or a strap-on in every color.

To perfect your oral technique, think about what has gotten you off in the past. What is it about the way people have gone down on you before that made you like it? Is it how they were acting? Where they were touching? What it looked, sounded or felt like? Try mimicking the elements you like the most and try them out on your new girl. Also, ask your girlfriend. Don’t be shy-this should be an honest and exciting experience for both of you. Ask her where she wants to be touched and how. Don’t be timid about it. Be open to her comments, and don’t be hurt if she doesn’t like something you do, just try something else. Every body is different, and only your GF knows what feels best for her, so ask her for some coaching.

Because every vagina is unique, there’s no way of giving you the standard blow-by-blow, but I’ll try to give you some helpful tricks. If you’re good with your hands, incorporate them into the action. Going down on someone isn’t just about your mouth, but your entire body: how you carry yourself, how you look at them, what your hands are doing, and everything else that goes with it. Do it like you mean it. Get into it and show your girlfriend how much you like going down on her-that’s a big part of making it feel good. Your girlfriend doesn’t expect you to be a professional, especially if you’re new to the game. She will appreciate your honesty about your lack of oral skills and will most likely be more than willing to experiment with you to get over it together. And remember, TTT, even though she may have more experience than you, you should give your GF the same leeway to make mistakes and try new things that you are expecting from her.

Dear Hannah,

I love having sex with my boyfriend. However, it can get a little bit loud. I’m really concerned that our neighbors can hear through the walls. This could be a very awkward situation. How can I be a good neighbor without sacrificing my sex life?

Walls Too Thin

Dorm life is challenging in a number of ways, WTT, and privacy is the biggest issue. You don’t want your sexy shouting to be heard by your neighbors any more than they want to hear it fluttering through their walls. You have to realize that sharing a space with people means having certain considerations. Just like you expect your roommate and neighbors to give you space and privacy, they will expect the same from you.

Clearly you are interested in how to create a dynamic of respect in your dorm, WTT. Asking your neighbors to tell you when to quiet down isn’t a sure-fire way of guaranteeing anything, because many people would be too scared to knock on your door mid-romp. However, it doesn’t hurt to mention it to them if you feel brave enough. They will be glad that your wild sex has been acknowledged, that way they can talk to about it more freely if it ever impedes their daily lives.

If you want to be respectful, just put yourselves in your neighbor’s shoes. Would you like it if you couldn’t concentrate because you could hear grunting orgies through your wall at all hours of the day? Probably not. So be mindful when you’re having sex and try to limit how much your passionate affair might be affecting the people next door.

Also, sex doesn’t have to be loud to be fun. In fact, having to withhold something, like noise, can be much sexier than you realize. For the same reason that people like to be blindfolded, restricting one of your senses can heighten the rest of them in your sexual experience. If you aren’t so focused on what noises your partner is making, you might start to notice sensations you have never felt before.

However, if you find that your primal screams and gratified moans are a must in your sex life, then don’t drop them completely. Instead, just turn up your music, put a towel under your door and try to limit your sex to normal waking hours. That way you get the best of both worlds-passionate, screaming sex and neighbors who don’t hate your guts.

Hannah thanks everyone for the thoughtful questions people have been sending in over the last month. She hopes to hear from more of you soon!

Have a question? SPO Hannah Wydeven or e-mail [email protected]