What I Learned in Bed

By Hannah Wydeven

Dear Hannah,
It seems like when I get really stressed out, my sex drive disappears. I can’t make myself horny because all I can think about is work. The only way I can masturbate is if I watch porn, but I hate the idea of porn and I don’t like getting off to it. What can I do to make myself horny again without watching porn?
-Worried about E.D.Anytime stress hits, the first thing to go is mental and physical health, which are the two things you need to retain if you want to have a great sex drive. The easiest remedies are sleep, exercise, and eating well, but sometimes those things are completely unattainable when you have mountains of work to do. Self medicating your stress through alcohol or other drugs will only make things worse in the libido department as well, so it would seem like there is nothing to do to get your mojo back in shape during the toughest times of the year.

There are tons of “quick fixes” for increasing your sex drive that you shouldn’t even consider at this age, especially considering that your problem is not really a physical one, but more a lack of time. Instead, you have to work to incorporate healthy habits into your life in order to get your body back on track. I know it can be almost impossible to find time to exercise when you have work to do, but improving your fitness is one of the best things you can do to increase your libido. Eating foods that have healthy oils in them will get you back on track as well. The key is to manage your work so that you have some free time for yourself.

It may sound silly to plan your day around your masturbation habits, but it could be what you need to clear your mind enough to fantasize. Schedule yourself time for work, time for exercise, and time for masturbation. If you know that you have one hour to yourself and your thoughts, then you won’t be flustered trying to squeeze one out in time to finish that last minute paper.
Unfortunately, stress is the ultimate killer for libido, but you don’t have to turn to porn to solve the problem. Plan your day well, get some sleep, and count down the days until summer.

Dear Hannah,
Why can’t I get any?
For my last column, I decided to ponder a question that is asked so often on this campus: why can’t I get any? I know many would disagree with me on this, but I personally think that the majority of this school is good looking, at least good enough to get some ass every once in a while. But, having a healthy sex life isn’t really about looking good; it’s knowing how to avoid the common pitfalls that prevent Mac students from attaining the desired booty.

One problem is that we think too much to get laid. Critical analysis of hegemonic forces is fine in the classroom, but that kind of over thinking is not going to cut it in the bedroom. So many opportunities slip by as we wonder to ourselves if we’re dressing the right way, acting the right way, talking the right way. Instead of spending so much time pouring over how each moment needs to be perfectly arranged, try just going for it. I urge you Macalester, next time you want to hook-up with someone, don’t stand around complaining to your friends trying to look awesome, go up to someone and initiate. You won’t remember what you were so worried about before once you are lying in bed reveling in your sexcapade.

Letting go of our obsessions with image is a great first step to getting laid, but it’s not going to solve the problem of what to do afterward. Unfortunately for our campus, when people have sex here, it tends to breed the crazy. Instead of acting like rational human beings that respect each other’s thoughts and feelings, one taste of a hook-up sends people to the nuthouse. There seem to be two extremes on the scale of reactions that come post hook-up. Some people run away and act horrifically cold and awkward to their ex-partner for the rest of their four years. Others get so wrapped up in their hook-up experience that they become obsessed, come on way too strong, and end up bitter and brutally angry. Other symptoms of the crazy usually fall somewhere along that spectrum. There is an epidemic of sexually transmitted crazy on this campus and it has got to stop if people want to start having normal, healthy sex.

I truly believe we can fight the crazy. All it takes is for people to treat one another with genuine respect and decency concerning their sexual relationships. For example, if you are not interested in more than a one-night stand, make that clear to your partner instead of just treating them like a stranger later. Honesty goes a long way, and the more honest you are to your sex partners, the more you will have in the future. This campus is small, and people will find out if you have the crazy, so fight it by being honest and considerate. Almost every question I received this year could have been answered with one word: communicate. I know it sound cliché, but honest communication really is the key to a happy sex life.

Though it often stems from bitter jealousy, the judgmental attitude Mac students take towards sex is one of the biggest roadblocks to overcome. There is too much name-calling over sex here, which doesn’t align well with our ideals of acceptance. Someone who chooses not to have sex is no more a prude than I am a slut for writing this column. Picking and choosing what level of sexual activity should be deemed appropriate on our campus inherently limits all of us. If you’re negative about someone else’s sexual choices, then you not only alienate them, but you also prevent yourself from ever being able to expand your own sexperiences. If we relax and let people do what they want without gossiping about it later, the sexual repertoire of our campus will expand infinitely.

It’s not impossible for our campus to become a thriving community of sexually explorative and sane individuals. The stumbling points we face because of our awkwardness can be overcome if we first admit to ourselves that yes, we have a problem, but if we are conscious of it, we too can have sex.

A Final Word

Though I like to make fun of Macalester, I wouldn’t have chosen a different path for my last four years. I am so happy that The Mac Weekly gave me the opportunity to ramble on in this column each week, and I want to thank my editors and everyone who has written in. I hope that this column has shed some light on the humor and excitement of sex, but also offered genuine reflections on problems that exist in our community. I urge someone to pick up where this column left off next year; I look forward to reading it. Goodbye Mac, thanks for being faithful readers. Now, go have sex.

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