By Michael Ferrera

There’s been a lot of whining and crying recently about the quality of toilet paper in the dorms here at Macalester. I’ve heard countless people espouse their TPP (Toilet Paper Philosophy) and frankly I’m sick and tired of it. “I’m a fan of unbleached, cotton two ply with aloe;” “I only use novelty toilet paper with people’s faces printed on it;” “If my mom doesn’t send me some Quilted Northern soon, I’m transferring.”
I guess it’s time to let you in on a little secret. In late 2002 the Macalester board of directors reluctantly voted to make the move to a lower quality toilet paper. The SRC had originally rejected the idea as “implausible” and “outrageous.” Thankfully, we have a visionary at the helm here people; a man who is strong on organization and passion. Brian P. Rosenberg decided that a change was needed, not only in our lavatories, but in our lives.

Some of you may still be confused. I was too until I took a little class that you can’t find in the course catalog. DHK 334: The Class of Life from the Department of Hard Knocks taught by Professor Brian L. Rosenberg. In a word, the class was amazing. Professor Brian I. Rosenberg taught me all I will ever need to know in a seven hour one-on-one lecture spanning topics as diverse as time management, economics, paper chemistry, water physics, and Charles Dickens. Now I will be able to impart some knowledge onto you. Some of it may be painful to hear; I’m sorry.
Macalester wants desperately to be an Ivy. The sad fact is, we students aren’t cutting it. In the race for Hottest Liberal Arts College of 2007 we’re losing to that college founded by Jerry Falwell, and Vassar. One of those institutions isn’t even accredited and the other (random fact about Vassar); I’ll let you figure out which one is which.

A 2001 study conducted by the Heritage Foundation found that Macalester students spend an average of 5-10 percent of their day in the bathroom. I know what you’re thinking, “5-10 percent! That’s a lot! Gee golly gosh darn, what a waste of time!” Two things. One, you’re right, and two, it’s phrases like “gee golly gosh darn” that are keeping us out of the Ivy League. That time in the bathroom could be better spent studying in the library, increasing your GPA and, therefore, your worth. That’s right, I said what everyone in your life has always denied: you’re only worth as much as your GPA.
To help you avoid the temptation of the bathroom as a form of procrastination, Macalester made the move to what some might refer to as, well, sandpaper. In all honesty, we did it for you. We did it so you can be a better person, with a 60 hour work week in a grueling and competitive job, a high six-figure income which remains virtually untouched as you work through most weekends and holidays, and children and a wife that resent your very existence. It’s like you’re living in your own prime time TV melodrama! Throw in an affair with a subordinate and it’s like you’re on Grey’s Anatomy!
This is not the end of Brian J. Rosenberg’s plan. In the coming months, there will be a noticeable shift in the propaganda spewed out by Mac Reality.

90 percent of Macalester students drink so much and so early on weekend nights that they pass out before 9 p.m. and wake up the next day at 8 a.m. feeling so guilty that they do homework as a form of penance for the rest of the day. Is that true? No. Should it be? Yes. I know most of the student body was complaining that there weren’t enough posters, table tents, billboards, radio commercials, or blimps around campus delivering you the good word of Mac Reality. That’s about to change. Macalester has dedicated a whopping total of $75 million to the new Mac Reality initiative. Prepare to have your mind bombarded, bewildered, and violated by facts about yourself and your peers that may or may not be true. Did you know that 87 percent of Macalester students buy Adderall illegally in order to study upwards of 75 hours for a Contemporary Concepts test? Would you like that message to be delivered to you by a flashing neon sign above the library? You may be reluctant now, but when Mac Reality becomes as ubiquitous on this campus as squirrels, any resistance will be crushed by a squad of secret police. The road to mediocrity is paved with indifference about your GPA. Basically all I’m saying is, you better watch the Super Bowl, because that commercial cost us about 35 lower-middle-class domestic white kids.