This Whole God Thing is Getting Old


When I was applying to colleges in 2001, Macalester immediately caught my attention when it was rated “the most Godless” college in the United States. As a person who grew up in the boonies of Northern Virginia, I have seen first-hand the ravages of a God-centric community. Let’s put it this way: my hometown’s favorite weekend activity is bludgeoning to death the unwilling heathens. Now, I’m not here to debate the existence of God. I’m not so bold as to suppose it either way.

Asking me if God exists is like asking me if Chuck E. Cheese exists. Certainly, I doubt there is an overgrown rat capable of singing, dancing, and running hundreds of children’s amusements centers across the country. Nonetheless, you walk into one of these places, and there Chuck is, his festive image emblazoned on every window and wall. Chuck sings “Happy Birthday”, dispenses tokens out of his nose, and fills me with an irrational sense of spiritual well-being; all things the real God does.

Besides, the question of whether God exists is a boring one. The more intriguing question is should God exist? After all, if we human beings ignore the issue, nothing’s going to happen. Look at the whole poverty debate after Hurricane Katrina. Three months later, and I can’t tell you why I was even concerned in the first place!

In these days of globalization and corporate mergers, it only makes sense to create a new God; one whose benevolence and

strength will unite all the peoples of the world. Except the Slovaks. Trust me, we don’t need the Slovaks.

If I may be so bold, I would suggest an elderly, wise, African-American man for our new God. After seeing Bruce Almighty, I’ve learned that a Morgan Freeman-like character is universally the least objectionable human-like manifestation there is. Let’s call him, oh I don’t know, Eduardo.

At this point, I know many of my more “female” readers will decry the maleness of Eduardo. But c’mon. A woman or non-gendered God? I’m trying to unite the planet, not embarrass it.

Next, we need to create a text surrounding this God: one that instills both hope and fear, yet, is so contradictory that any person could extract personal meaning regardless of merit or intelligence. You know, like the Bible, except not so pro-circumcision.

“Eduardo’s Big Day Out” will tell the tale of a messiah who seeks to spread his message of compassion, good will, and sound retirement planning. Ultimately, Eduardo will sacrifice himself to deliver his final blessing upon his followers: a coupon for 25% off all expired Halloween candy at Target.

Let’s not forget the boiled-down, trademark phrase of our dearly departed Lord.

Eduardo’s Golden Rule: Don’t fuck with people’s shit.

It translates easily into many languages for conversion purposes:

In Spanish: No coja con la mierda de la gente.

In French: Ne baisez pas avec la merde des personnes.

In German: Ficken Sie nicht šber die Scheizer!!!

In the coming weeks, you will come to know our loyal door-to-door missionaries. Do not ignore them. They have been trained to take averted eye-contact as an act of hostile aggression. For those interested, we are currently accepting applications for the following positions: Pope, Dalai Lama, Grand Wizard, and Head Cheerleader. Must be proficient in Microsoft PowerPoint and Excel.

If you take one thing away from this article, I am hoping it is dissatisfaction with your current religion or lack thereof. None of the current mainstream religions offer the wondrous bounty of personal salvation that Eduardo does, nor at the low, low price of your first born child’s soul.