The Ultimate Ins and Outs

By Katherine Tylevich

In
1. “These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do …”

Out
1. “These boots were made for cradling your feeble ankles while you sit in a La-z-boy watching Who’s the Boss? and eating sunflower seeds,and that’s just what they’ll do …”

In
2. Innie Belly-Buttons
Out
2. Uncut umbilical cords. So 1983. Get over it.

In
3. Tasteful Vomiting
Out
3. Eating
In
4. Wearing red pumps to bed
Out
4. Wearing tan Ugs to bed
In
4. Wearing red pumps to bed
Out
4. Wearing tan Ugs to bed
In
5. Looking for love in all the wrong places
Out
5. Looking for love in the Whole Foods dumpster. Do you know where that baguette’s been?
In
6. Obviously fishing for compliments
Out
6. Healthy high self-esteem
In
7. Salmon
Out
7. Tuna
In
8. Bird Flu
Out
8. Common Cold (pussy!)
In
9. Fourth World Countries (on everyone’s lips!)
Out
9. Fourth planets from the sun (Mars is so lame!)
In
10. Robbing the cradle (legally speaking)
Out
10. Robbing the casket (necrophilia-yuck)
In
11. i-pod
Out
11. e-cod (digital fish. It only sounded like a good idea.)
In
12. Peeing
Out
12. Pooping
In
13. Chocolate covered cherries
Out
13. Chocolate covered veal