The low-down on low brow

By Amy Shaunette

Ten years ago, MTV aired a show called “FANatic.” A testimony to America’s obsession with celebrities, “FANatic” was about super fans that got to meet their idols. These people were decidedly not normal. They covered their bedroom walls in photos of their favorite celebrity, wore t-shirts bearing that celebrity’s face to bed, talked about the celebrity all the time and, ultimately, tried to be that celebrity, usually by learning dance routines or memorizing movie scenes. There were even a few celebrity lookalikes and cross-dressers. “FANatic” was a spectacle of celebrity worship, second only to Halloween.The psychological take on Halloween is that it’s a chance to be whatever or whoever one wants, hence all the slutty costumes (because we’re apparently all horny skanks). And celebrity costumes are Halloween mainstays: Madonna, David Bowie, and Elvis get-ups appear annually, and every year more pop up. It’s said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But did thousands of girls dress up like Amy Winehouse for Halloween in 2007 because they liked her music, or because she’s a crack-smoking anorexic with a black beehive, i.e. a fun person to be for a night. On Halloween, imitation opens the door for ruthless mockery. So, I give you a list of possible celebrity costumes for this year’s fright night.

Robin Williams
This costume is basically a werewolf costume, minus the scary mask and ripped clothes. Just wear a nice sweater and nice pants-and a lot, A LOT, of fake hair. Using adhesive, cover your body with the hair, paying special attention to the wrists and upper chest. The more clothing you take off through the night, the more fun-and hairy-the costume becomes.

Lindsay Lohan
First, you’ll need to lose about 40 pounds. You’ll also need to visit the salon for a spray tan every day for two weeks. Next, find a very blonde, very long wig. Wear leggings, killer boots, and some sort of faded graphic t-shirt. Layer on the gold jewelry, and find a pair of giant sunglasses, preferably some Ray-Ban Wayfarers. Dot your face with freckles using an eyeliner pencil, slather on some pink lipstick, and then wet your nose and stick it into a bag of flour, or perhaps powdered sugar. Be sure to sniff all night long, just in case people don’t pick up on the whole cocaine thing. To make this one a couple costume, just get someone to dress as Samantha Ronson-it doesn’t matter if the friend is male or female, since no one’s really sure what Samantha Ronson is either.

John Mayer
Wear a white t-shirt, expensive designer jeans, a leather motorcycle jacket and some man jewelry. Using hair gel, a curling iron and a good chunk of time, create that just-rolled-out-of-bed-with-a-hot-model hairstyle. Carry around a guitar and make an exaggerated O-face all night long. Try to mention your blog as often as possible. Also, make out with as many people as you can.

Britney Spears
Not “.Baby, One More Time” Britney, but L.A. trash Britney. Shave your head, or better yet, wear a tangled, ratty wig and sport cut-off denim shorts with Uggs. Make sure your gauzy top shows your pierced belly button. Carry around a few unhappy children (baby dolls, for safety’s sake), and wash down prescription pills with vodka all night long.

Sarah Palin
I’m not talking about Sexy Sarah. There will be no lipstick or pantsuit involved. I’m talking about aerial-moose-hunting Sarah. Wear head-to-toe-camo and aviator sunglasses, and build a helicopter around yourself using tinfoil-covered cardboard. Every now and then, shoot your (fake) gun out of the imaginary helicopter window and say, “Got one!” or “Take a picture of this for my book!” You can turn this one into a group costume by getting your friends to dress up as moose.