The Five Most Noteworthy Things I Did Over Break, Or Why Isn't My Life More Exciting?

By Emily Smith
  1. I’m from the land of Creationism, bigotry, and the War of Northern Aggression. I hate all of itƒ?”except the bumper stickers. Every time my family and I road trip across Georgia, I compete with myself to find the most offensive slogan. I hit the jackpot when, somewhere between Atlanta and the coast, a gas station had a rack of bumper stickers that each displayed the Confederate flag. The slogans ranged from the standard, “The South will rise again!” to “God, Guts, ‘n Guns: Let’s keep all three!” My favorite? “NORTH: 1. SOUTH: 0. HALF-TIME.”
    2. My mother, the raging feminist responsible for my self-confidence, announced that she is going to have liposuction and an eyelid tuck as soon as she finishes paying my tuition. Sophomores, look out for a plastic-faced, flat-tummied woman at our graduation.

    3. With legions of middle-aged women, I share a hopeless addiction to “The Young & the Restless,” which my mother tapes daily. I’ve watched the show for years, but last week, for the first time ever, I felt like its target audienct. Amber, homewrecker du jour, told her love interest that he looked like Conor Oberst, the lead singer of Bright Eyes. He responded, “All I need is black hair dye and a tragic haircut.” I clapped my hands, cackled hysterically, and rewound the tape to watch the scene again. I tried to explain the implications of daytime television’s foray into indie rock to my mother, but she couldn’t understand what was so funny.

    4.When I’m home, I lash out against my small college identity and hang out with frat boysƒ?”excuse me, fraternity menƒ?”at Georgia Tech. The school is 72% male, so women are treated like royalty. One night in December, my computer-geekiest friends and I chain-smoked, threw beer cans at passing cars, and went inside to dance to Outkast. I didn’t know that rednecky nerds had it in them, but the dance party beat any that I’ve attended at Macalester.

    5. When NPR announced David Bowie’s 60th birthday, I threw an impromptu birthday party for him. I dressed up as Ground Control, and my friends came as Major Tom, China Girl, Ziggy Stardust, and Aladdin Sane. At some point in the evening, I became a Major Tom/ Ground Control/ Aladdin Sane hybrid (see picture on bottom righthand corner of previous page).