By Staff

With the enchanting edification opportunities that the new amphitheater will offer up unto the sacred learning body of our institute of higher learning, we present a list of upcoming events that showcase the highest glories of our proud people.1. Unveiling of lifesize 20 foot solid platinum statue of Our Beloved Leader Comrade Kofi Annan, who holds the globe in his Atlas hands as he unpeels it for a midafternoon snack.

2. International Monetary Fund/ Goldman Sachs Joint Leadership Conference. Sponsored by the Institute for Global Citizenship.

3. Ritual stapling of mice heads, followed by a taping of Rats Gone Wild. Busloads of squirrels of many nations and colors will be brought in to spice up the event. Meet the stars for the after party in the Olin Rice basement.

4. Moral force and highly respected foreign affairs commentator Thomas Friedman returns to read from his new book: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Beautiful Emancipatory Force of American-led Capitalism.

5. Coke and kegger for the all-new cultural organization Mac Broham, for the preservation and promotion of brodom. Also, the first quadrennial Brolympics. Competitions include the Anticommunist Keg Stand and No Limit Gay Chicken.

6. David Horowitz and Macalester co-host Liberal Arts Students Against Political Correctness National Convention.

7. Reeducation programs commence after our leveraged buyout of St. Thomas. They will come to know their own heteronormativity.

8. Elite Recruit Day for Mac Scots Football. The common may attend, and gaze in wonder/dangle grapes to feed the mighty 300 Spartans.

9. Performance art showcase of elitist idiomatic alienating nomenclature. Extramural “community members” are invited, in order to have their minds enriched by our $160,000 minds. Constructivism, geostrategy, and coterminous postcolonial epistemological paradigms will make appearances.

10. Eurobeat and its Eurocentrism fall senseless before the spectacularness of Global Beat. Collars will be popped to heights heretofore untheorized and unseen by human eyes.