By Katherine Tylevich

Take it back to those warm August days just before your freshman year at Mac. You’re packing, gabbing on the phone, probably eating some home-cooked sausage links and getting one touch too nostalgic. That’s when Britney Spears’ “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” comes on the radio. You totally flip. Why? Because:

You can’t believe how hetero-normative mainstream radio can be. “I’m sickened by a society that teaches little girls that it’s okay to go through puberty,” you write in your diary that night.

b) You identify with Britney so hard-core, it’s not even funny.

You identify with Britney so hard-core, it’s not even funny. Of course, what could be funny about Ripond from the planet Zorkan reading your mind and projecting your thoughts via popular music? Ripond has been doing everything in his power to embarrass you ever since you both fell in love with Mistress Xwigonia from the eighth star of the fourth sun. Um, hello, Ripond! Xwigonichka made her decision, okay? Mature already, and get over it!

You forgot to act like you don’t know all the lyrics. “Don’t ever, ever, let me

catch you unironically humming that tune again!” you reprimand yourself, and go back to wearing your brand new $170 corduroy pants so as to make them look way vintage.

2) This happens every year. You’re looking forward to a relaxing j-term break at home, but as soon as you step foot in the house you grew up in, the ‘rents are making like Matlock, and getting all up on your case. You can’t take it anymore. “What is your deal, legal guardian?” you finally snap. The answer is as follows:

“You brought back more Bob Marley posters than you did undergarments, you burn more Nag Champa than a Hemp n’ Candle store, and since when do you play the bongos, asshole? Oh, and P.S. so long as you keep that Cannabis sticker on your notebook, you’ll never get laid.”

b) “I always knew you were a nerd, it’s just that … I was kind of hoping you would

grow up to be the type of nerd who invents the next Polio vaccine, cashes out and then puts me in a luxury retirement villa by the ocean. Instead, you’ve developed into the breed of nerd who dresses daily in medieval Knight’s armor, calls the student-body a serfdom,' and doesn't even get good grades to make up for it. You were my 401 plan! Thanks a lot, freak!"<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />c) "I liked it better when you kept all of your feelings bottled up inside and walked <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />around the house with a clearly affected smile on your face. What's with this new emo shit? I'm tired of hearing about how sensitive you are and no, I don't think we need to talk about our troubled relationship. What's with the thick-rimmed glasses, anyway? You have 20-20 vision."<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />d) "You are under my roof now, buddy! And my roof will not be adorned with the <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Greek letters Delta Tau Nu! Have I made myself clear, John Belushi? And stop leaving contraceptive paraphernalia around the house. We get it. You lost your virginity this year. Probably through some drunken encounter that you will regret each and every day of your life. I know it all too well. [Sigh] Don't make the same mistakes we did when we were young. Mistakes like you."<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />3) You "flex" ("dollar") or sneak your way into the cafeteria, sit down at a cozy two-seater by the window and have a total mouth-gasm over which of the following food items:<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The vegan brownies. "Mmm…this meal makes me look so conscientious I just <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />want to rub it on my nipples, yellinglook at me world! I can act like an animal without eating one! Milk me, not a cow! Make me a gelatin!'”

Nachos! Nachos, yeah! Nachos are so college. Food fight!

Everything in sight, in hopes that a friend will come up and ask whether you’re

“so baaaaked, maaaaaaaan” so that you can be all “yeaaaaaaahhh, man, heh heh heh,” even though you’re stone-cold sober and actually kind of nervous about that Chemistry test you have tomorrow.

Well, you somehow managed to sneak a live goat and a personal spit-fire grill

past Harold, so …

Calculate your score: add up your points.

1. a ) 4 points b ) 3 points c ) 2 points d ) 1 point

2. a ) 4 points b ) 2 points c ) 1 points d ) 3 points

3. a ) 4 points b ) 3 points c ) 1 point d ) 2 points

If you scored:

Between 4 – 6

You are: MVP on the wearing hemp shoes and whining about how nobody gets you team.

Between 7 – 10

You are: A D & D, DDR, excessive PDA master.

Between 11 – 13

You are: Homo-beerectus. Evolution hath blessed you with a spine designed for keg stands and a mouth ready to yell: “Wooooh! College!”

Between 14 – 16

You are: Determined to save the world, one meaningless and irritating cause at a time.