Notorious B.U.T.T.E.R.

By

It was a modern day story of Romeo and Juliet. A culinary tale of passion, where what wasn’t meant to be was, where what ought not to have happened did. And thus, sat Butter in the hot tub, sipping on a glass of wine, when in rushed the angry lover, Basil Leaf. BASIL LEAF:

Pray, Butter!

Have you lost your mind?

BUTTER:

I’m simply trying to unwind!

BASIL LEAF:

Unwind! Unwind!

You’ll liquefy!

You’re sitting in hot water!

The temperature’s too high!

BUTTER:

Oh, quit your yapping,

No need to scream!

So What? I’ll melt

and I’ll become a cream!

Big deal!

I promise you! I’ll stay delish!

On top of that, I’ll be noutrish!

You’ll eat much less of me with all your meals,

So half the cals–

BASIL LEAF:

Are you for reals?

Need I remind you I’m food, too?

And cannibalism’s not a thing I do?

BUTTER:

Who is this crazy beatnik?

Quit your jive!

Maybe I want to take a bath!

Maybe I want to feel alive!

But you don’t understand,

How could you? Such a prude.

At least respect my privacy,

And stop acting so rude!

Like all the peeps on Oprah’s show,

I need some “me time,” time to grow!

BASIL LEAF:

God, what’s your deal?

You’ve totally lost your sex appeal!

And don’t you dare sip that Merlot!

How gruesome must you get? How low?

BUTTER:

So, I’m a hedonist!

So sue me!

BASIL LEAF:

I’ll get a lawyer, fine!

And he’ll see to it,

That you put down that wine!

BUTTER:

What can he do?

Eat me with sardines?

‘Twould only be my pleasure,

To be of help in someone else’s leisure!

BASIL LEAF:

You’re sick! I beg you,

Leave that tub–that fiery hell!

And rid this house,

Of your delicious buttery smell!

BUTTER:

Oh, I’m delicious, am I?

BASIL LEAF:

Maybe.

BUTTER:

What say you come in here,

And make a little Basil Butter, baby?

BASIL LEAF:

I musn’t!

BUTTER:

Au Contraire! You must!

BASIL LEAF:

Okay, I’ll try.

BUTTER:

Just jump in here and we’ll solidify!

BASIL LEAF:

I can’t.

BUTTER:

Your loss.

You know we’d made an excellent salmon sauce.

BASIL LEAF:

Oh, don’t bring salmon into this!

BUTTER:

Why not?

BASIL LEAF:

You know that Salmon always gets me hot.

PRINCE:

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;

The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:

Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;

Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished:

For never was a story of more woe grief

Than this of Juliet Butter and her Romeo of Basil Leaf

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