Love Cholesteroscopes

By Katherine Tylevich

Love has often been compared to a four-course meal, but your order is always getting mixed up in the kitchen. Just last week, you asked for stability and respect, but all you got was another lonely evening watching Home Improvement and fondling yourself. What gives? Ever wonder why romance isn’t looking in your direction? Maybe it’s because you’re not linking arms with compatible partners! Did you know your cholesterol level says a lot about you? More importantly, did you know it says a lot about your potential lifemate? Check out these three cholesterol characterizations to see if you’re making the right decisions now, and learn how you can make the right decisions in the future! Bon apptit!

Cholesterol Level:

Low

Less than 200 mg/dL

At first glance, it may look like this C27H45OH combo is a regular Johnny Do Good or Janey Ne’er Do Bad. “Low cholesterol” spells anal-retentive, hyper-health conscious, bore-in-the- bedroom type, right? Wrong! Not everything they say about people with low cholesterol is true. Let stereotypes guide your decisions and watch this cute catch slip through your fingers (and not because he or she is so thin, either. That’s just another myth we’re here to debunk)! Take a closer look at this low-scorin’ sweetie, and you’re bound to be pleasantly surprised, because surprises are what lowies are all about. “I have phenomenal mg/dl ratios,” this shy stud or studess whispers to you on the first date, but by date two, he or she’s screaming: “but my thyroid levels are sky rocketing!” Lowies are like the boy next door who turns out to be a handsome drug trafficker, or the nerdy girl in your class who suddenly takes off her glasses, lets down her hair and—lo and behold—she’s Big Tits Terry from your favorite pornographic videotape! Alluring, to say the least. Lowies always throw you for a loop. Go ahead, judge a book by the steroid-alcohol found in the tissue of its cover. If you want to miss out on the dating and mating of a lifetime, that is. Open that book up, and you’ll be all: “I never would have guessed you like washing down cheeseburgers with raw egg yolks and buttered popcorn!” Yeah! And you thought lowies worked hard for their low digits? They’re just naturally lucky! Here’s an idea: first date at the casino. Don’t be pulling an indecent proposal on us, though. “I’ll pay you one million dollars to sleep with your unclogged-arteried wife.” Don’t do it, Woody. You can’t buy low cholesterol.

Most compatible with: High cholesterolers. Opposites attract.

Famous People with Low Cholesterol: Jane Fonda, Bob Saget, Tiger Woods

Borderline

200-239 mg/dL

Borderliners are, almost always, the electronic-keyboard type in a band that gets its jollies playing Depeche Mode covers. Ding. Ding [rest] ding, ding [rest], your typical borderliner plays, as the lead singer croons on. “All I ever wanted, all I ever needed…” if only your borderliner would open up the way the singer (a high-cholesteroled performer, by the by) does. Borderliners will rarely tell you what’s on their minds; they let you do all the guessing, and guess what? You’ll never be right. When the mascara’s dripping down your bordie’s tear-drenched face and you ask “are you sad?” your borderliner will answer, “I am only crying because happiness is so heavy a burden to carry. I’m like a modern-day Sisyphus.” Then, when your bordie’s laughing it up like Margaret Cho just walked in the room, God forbid you start laughing, too. Your bordie will stop as soon as you so much as giggle, mark my words, then that neither-here-nor-thererer will undoubtedly utter something along the lines of “laughter is but the cousin of bawling, once removed.” Dr. Killjoy? To some, maybe. You’ve been warned: Borderliners live by the teachings of St. Aerosmith of Rockingham, “Living on the Edge” is what they’re all about. Not to mention “living in the basement of my parents’ house!”

Most compatible with: Highs, who will play the caretaker role like nobody’s bees-wax!

Famous People with Borderline Cholesterol: Boy George, The Olsen Twins, Dave Gahan (go ahead, google him. You’ll get it.)

High

240 mg/dL and over

As reliable as a Ford truck, they are. If you’re looking for a ring on your finger, look no further than your high cholesteroled cutie! Whereas lowies and borderliners are mixed bags, highies are as consistent as a garbage bag full of ripe cantaloupes. YUM! Cut these bad boys in half, fill them with cottage cheese and dig in with a spoon…a metaphorical spoon, which symbolizes a nuptial agreement. High cholesterolites are usually extremely well-to-do, might I add, and as generous as they come. This is one to bring home to the parents! Tell moms and pops to cook a cheese-stuffed, lard-saturated beef brisket, though, or you’ll find yourself alone at the altar, loser.

Most compatible with: Other highs, but you know the heart always loves a challenge. Highs usually go for lows and borderlines when it comes to the courtship of youth, but they normally settle down with other highs in the end.

Famous People with High Cholesterol: Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie, Jon Lovitz