By Andrew Mirzayi

I trudged into Café Mac on Monday night. Between the calculus assignment and the chemistry test, it had been a long day. I looked forward to relieving the built-up tension of the day with some comfort food—fries and a burger. But as I passed the pastry and cookie section, I saw it. It was golden and regal, topped with whipped cream and a sliced strawberry. It was Jell-O.

Jello-O is the most amazing substance known to man. Scientists can tell us about wave-particle duality and how every cell in our bodies works, but they cannot define Jell-O’s awesomeness. It’s jiggly ambrosia stolen from the gods and given to man by that same guy who brought us fire (and that’s the real reason Zeus punished him).
If the Jell-O creation myth isn’t convincing enough, it even comes in every flavor imaginable. In fact, in the future all food won’t come in pill form like some “experts” predict, but in Jell-O form. It’s also the one food that anyone, no matter how inept and how many times they set their kitchens on fire microwaving popcorn, can make.

Now some hoity-toity layabouts may call Jell-O terrible. These are the same people who believe we didn’t go to the moon and that the government is watching them through their fillings. I bet the oil companies paid them off to decry Jell-O and support a petroleum-based dessert. They also probably voted for Bush and had qualms about it because he was “such a liberal republican.”

They sit their children down in their suburban homes and tell them about how the godless public schools may serve them Jell-O, but that they must never stop believing in good wholesome desserts that God created. They tell horror stories about how in college they experimented with Jell-O once or twice only to end up crying and confessing their sinful delight to their minister. In short, they are your uncle and aunt who live in West Virginia.

But we should not look down on them because of their ignorant ways. Instead, we as Jell-O lovers should extend our spoons of wobbling goodness to those who have gone astray from the true path. Together, all of us can share in the most amazing food the world has ever seen.