By Katherine Tylevich

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You think you died and went to heaven when you awake one morning transformed into a beautiful daffodil. Peace and serenity sweep over you, until you notice all the tulips are totally sketch and only have one thing on their minds: pollination. After you passed away, your relatives sold your soul into the flower porno ring. They needed the extra cash, okay? You could’ve prevented all of this by leaving them a little something-something in your will.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your cool new college friends will be taking it easy, listening to some Prince and passing the reefer, and you will desperately seek their acceptance. You will attempt to sing along to “Erotic City,” but your strict, religious upbringing will kick in and all you’ll be able to muster is “we can frick until the dawn,” while blushing, at which point your new college friends will look at you all, “Frick? Ew. Get out narc.” And you’ll be, like, “What’s a narc?”

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You will have the following conversation with your long-distance significant-other over AIM:

2Cute2Bsingle: i’m missin’ u hard, babe :-*

Playa_50cent: miss u 2

2Cute2Bsingle: watchu doing this fri n sat?

Playa_50cent: missin u

2Cute2Bsingle: no seriously

Playa_50cent: i dunno, going 2 some parties

2Cute2Bsingle: WTF?!?!

Playa_50cent: W????

2Cute2Bsingle: u said u were gonna be missin me!!!

Playa_50cent: stop controlling me!

2Cute2Bsingle: we are SO OVER!!!! :…..-(

Playa_50cent: u got pink eye?

2Cute2Bsingle: those r tears a$$hole!

Playa_50cent: W???? i thought it was discharge! X-cuse me 4 CARING!!!!

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

At your latest Red Lobster outing, after you ask a question too many about the preparation of the calamari, your server will subtly insult you by calling you “an uninspired face served atop a bed of unflattering body parts garnished with company that only hangs out with you for your money. I take it the meal’s on you tonight.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your lucky numbers this month are 1-800-LONELY-PHONE-SEX

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will be sassed by an unruly youth.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

You will wonder what exactly your TiVo is trying to tell you when it begins recording rerun episodes of The Donnie and Marie Show, Gilmore Girls, and Judging Amy. You’ll be all, “Look, I don’t want to start anything, TiVo, I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, but I really prefer mentally stimulating shows like those aired on PBS and the Discovery Channel. If push comes to shove and I really need to relax, I prefer something more high-brow, more New Yorkish, if you will, a simple rerun of Seinfeld would suit me just fine, some Curb Your Enthusiasm—”Curb,” as we call it— even, I’ll admit, Frasier, but please, none of this pedestrian drivel, okay?”

“Why can’t you just be yourself around me?” TiVo will retort, in near hysterics. “You’re always trying to be someone you’re not! Admit it, you think Donnie Osmond is a little bit Rock and Roll!”

You will spend the rest of the evening fiercely shouting at the machine, but secretly wondering, “perhaps it’s right.”

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

You will look for love in all the wrong places. Like, the cemetery, the intensive care unit at the hospital and the rehab center a few miles from your house.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Nobody will write a “missed connection” about you on Craigslist this week. Or ever. You will continue checking multiple times a day, regardless.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

At a job interview at an advertising agency this weekend, the potential employer will ask you to name your dream profession. Somewhat taken by surprise, you will mumble something about being the Harriest Potter at the Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry, even though you’ve never read any books from the Harry Potter series. You will follow your comment with a string of awkward giggles. The interviewer, who, as it turns out, is a huge fan of Potter literature, will hire you on the spot and (in a move that can only be summarized as Biz Caz) will invite you to get “Sorcerer stoned” with the office this week. The invitation will include the words “munchies” and “guaranteed convo about all things Harry!”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Boys will be boys, and you will continue to be whatever you are.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will become the proud Godparent of the happiest, cutest little accident this world has yet seen.