h o r o s c o p e s

By Katherine Tylevich

Aries

3/21-4/19

You think nothing of it when a friend asks to borrow your laptop Monday morning. Come Monday evening, however, you’re in a cold sweat about that history trail you left on Safari. Relax. Your friend works for the government. She already knows the sick shit you’ve been google searching. That’s why she confiscated your computer in the first place, dumb dumb!

Taurus

4/20-5/20

You will blame Capitalism for your feelings of alienation, neglecting to take into account your lack of friends. You will erroneously think you totally get Marx. Uh, this just in: Marx actually had a social life.

Gemini

5/21-6/21

And on the eighth day, the Lord created an outfit you could never pull off, but on Wednesday you’re going to try wearing a velour tracksuit and doo-rag, anyway. The Lord will then take pity upon your wretched appearance and render your hair remarkably soft and shiny for a day. Ungrateful ass that you are, you’ll attribute it all to your new “Fructis” Honeydew conditioner and then you’ll be all “what’d I do?” when the Lord runs to the bathroom in tears. I think somebody owes the Lord an apology.

Cancer

6/22-7/22

You will try to sound smart in class by saying “the two texts intersect in interesting ways,” but you will misspeak and say “the two sex intersex … ” at which point your voice will crack and you will find yourself unable to continue. Your classmates will pretend they heard nothing, but your professor will be unable to suppress a burst of laughter. Embarrassed when no one else so much as giggles at your misfortune, the professor will shout: “Lighten up, you Liberal Arts pricks! You think you’re so high and mighty just because you finished No Logo? Well, newsflash: that book sucks balls and so do your precious `readings’ of it!” The ensuing silence will be awkward.

Leo

7/23-8/22

You will change your New Year’s resolution from “spend more time with loved ones in the area” to “move.”

Virgo

8/23-9/22

You will make the following joke in a group of peers you only kind-of know: “Brokeback Mountain? Is that a movie about chiropractors?” The peer you find most physically attractive in the group will reprimand you severely for your lack of sensitivity and humor. You will spend the remainder of the day oscillating between feelings of regret and arousal.

Libra

9/23-10/22

When life gives you lemons, you’ll be all “bring it! I love lemons!” So, life will give you hard-boiled eggs instead, knowing full well you’re allergic. You’ll try to decline politely, saying “I already ate, thank you,” but rest assured, life will guilt-trip you into taking a nibble and then won’t even visit you in the Emergency Room when you break out in hives and have trouble breathing. Reread that last sentence. Yikes.

Scorpio

10/23-11/21

After your best girl friend tells you that the “Genocide and Whiteness” class is “so you!” you wonder obsessively what exactly she means by that. When you see her walking from class the next day, you want to hit her up with a “FYI, I don’t appreciate your snide little comments, Stephanie,” but all that comes out of your mouth is a high-pitched, “Hey, babes! You look so cute today! Oh my God, but when do you not look cute?”

Sagittarius

11/22-12/21

Your favorite sports team will win the big game, you will have consensual and meaningful intercourse with the love of your life, and every meal you eat will taste like a Streetcar Named Delicious just rode past all your taste buds, but guess what? You’ll still feel empty inside!

Capricorn

12/22-1/19

You will think your friend came back from study abroad a pretentious asshole. Your friend will think you’re “sheltered” and know nothing of “the real world” because you stayed here. You will temporarily cast your differences aside when you remember the real reason you two are friends anyway: you’re dating, and despite your “open relationship” status last semester, neither of you could do any better.

Aquarius

1/20-2/18

You won’t get the subtext when your uncle teases you by singing “This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius!” because you’ve never seen Hair. When he starts lamenting that none of his generation’s dreams ever came true because of ignorance, you’ll fight fire with fire by saying “Uncle Keith, your dreams never came true because you were too busy tripping on LSD and mistakenly thinking your ideas are actually original.” That’s when you’ll realize that you’re not talking to Uncle Keith, but your roommate, and that you’ve both been experimenting with mushrooms in your Dupre double, and it was all just a minor hallucination. That’s when the tears come, but don’t expect your roommate to be of any comfort when you start crying about how you’re “just another clichAc going through the motions.”

Pisces

2/19-3/20

All your life you’ve felt like you’re a bear stuck in a human’s body, but this weekend you’re finally going to realize you’ve had it totally backwards. All those year wasted, and your fucking therapist couldn’t just tell you that you were the victim of a horrible camping accident?