Go back to Garden State, Zach Braff: You've had your Last Kiss

By Amy Shaunette, Emily Smith

He made us laugh, he
made us cry, but now he makes us vomit. Zach Braff gave us the
cinematic gems (or should we say germs) “Garden State” and “The
Last Kiss” and his face graces our televisions weekly in “Scrubs.”
Yes, the man has charmed adolescent girls across the nation, but we
liberated Macalester women know better. Here’s why.1. He dated Mandy
Moore. Mandy isn’t completely terrible. She was cute with Andy
Roddick, but the Braff-Moore union is simply disgusting, especially
when you consider the fact that Braff is nine years her senior. Braff
must have skipped his high school health class the day his teacher
told the class to “make good decisions.”

2. He hit on Jessica
Simpson right after breaking up with Mandy. Need we say more? What a
loser.

3. Writing, directing,
producing the soundtrack, and starring in “Garden State” is far
too much spotlight for someone so insignificant. Talk about
arrogance. Samuel L. Jackson is the only actor who should be allowed
to be so involved in one film.

4. He doesn’t even
act. His “acting” consists of speaking through his teeth and
furrowing his eyebrows in continual confusion.

5. Anyone who knows
anything knew of the Shins before the creepy commercial in “Garden
State.” If “Garden State” has the best soundtrack of all time,
we’re switching back to silent movies.

6. Just one question:
Rachel Bilson? Of all people, Rachel Bilson? She, above all others,
should stay in Orange County and out of Braff’s pants. “The Last
Kiss” just might be the worst-cast film of the decade.

7. Speaking of “The
Last Kiss,” it was a horrid, horrid movie. Braff may not be
responsible for writing it, but he agreed to star in it and that’s
just as bad. Its only redeeming quality was the scene showing Braff
stranded on the front porch of his house for three days, locked out
by his girlfriend. We wish his weak bones had rotted in that very
spot, but it was at least somewhat satisfying to see him wet, cold,
hungry, and utterly alone.

8. Braff went to film
school at Northwestern. To quote a certain Mac Weekly editor: “He
actually got an education? I don’t believe that.”
9. He looks like a
butt. As in, his face resembles a butt.

10. In his blog posts
on zachbraff.com, Braff uses ‘r’ instead of ‘are’ and ‘u’
instead of ‘you.’ Ridiculous. He also posts music videos and
photos of himself with cute female fans. And of course, he’s been
promoting the hell out of the new Shins album. Totally ridiculous.

11. Direct quote from
the man himself on zachbraff.com: “There’s a lot going on and
many sandwiches in the rusty metal lunchbox that is my brain.” Um,
what?
12. Seriously, Braff.
Get over yourself. We have.