By Katherine Tylevich

A note to first-years: There comes a time in every rising sophomore’s life when he or she realizes that the carefree days of living with assigned roommates in assigned living quarters are over. Congratulations, underclassperson, you’ve reached a collegiate puberty of sorts (mazel tov), and now I think it’s time we had ourselves “the talk.” Before you run off making the wrong decisions, sticking yourself in God-knows-what-kind-of sticky [living] situations, take a gander at these here dorm reviews. With my suggestions in hand, you’ll be ready to face your upcoming room draw with confidence and poise. Go get ’em, Tony Danza! Show that dorm room who’s [the] boss!

Dupre

Dupre rooms best express themselves through the words of Abba’s hit song, Take a Chance on Me: “If you change your mind [about living with your irritating quasi-friend who happened to draw a good number], I’m the first in line! Honey I’m still free [because nobody wants to dwell within my sterile embrace], Take a chance on me!” Before you start acting all high and mighty, calling Dupre desperate and outdated, take into account the other Nordic qualities the dorm has to offer. Its Scandinavian architecture, for one! Sleek and modern, this brick biddy lacks the arrogant bourgeoisie ornamentation of, say, Wallace. You won’t find any over-the-top luxuries here, so you better stop looking, baby (Insider’s Scoop: room 501 does come equipped with a personal bidet, but no toilet.) Added bonus: The Dupe’s cozy single rooms make playing “conjugal visit” with loved ones all the more realistic.

Another perk in the spirit of collectivity? While living in Old Man Dupe, you’ll feel ever-closer to the people. Given the building’s lack of insulation, you’ll know all the ups and downs of your peers’ day-to-day lives. You’ll know if someone is in need of comfort when you hear your neighbor sobbing uncontrollably one wall over, you’ll know when someone’s in the grips of a most-pleasurable intercourse (no clarification necessary here), and you’ll definitely have the pleasure of knowing when your classmates are intoxicated, as they will undoubtedly stomp and prance through the hallways laughing, yelling and/or retching gaily!

In all honesty, I have nothing but good or mediocre+ memories from my two-year jaunt in Le Dupr’¨. Don’t go crying to your human mama (like I did) if you draw a bad number, seek comfort in the billowing cement bosom of Mama D, instead. She’ll treat you well. I know from experience.

Bigelow, Wallace, 30 Mac Basement

Is 30 Mac Basement really good for your image? I mean, why did you come to college, anyway? Was it to “study hard” and “obey quiet hours” and “abstain from using chemical substances,” or was it to wear oversized Rasta hats with fake dreadlocks and be culturally insensitive by drinking Saki bombs late into the night and yelling “Saki bomb!” for all the slumbering loser-nerds to hear? Perhaps it was to eat all the nachos your heart desires without the old man telling you “you’re chewing way too loud and way too late, youth.” If you choose to live in 30 Mac you’re basically saying, “Sure, legal guardian, I’ll give up eating nachos; I’ll keep it down, I’ll do whatever you or any other extension of `the man’ says!” By living in Bigelow or Wallace, however, and especially by living in Wallace Basement, you’re selling the message: “Hey, gramps! Chill out! You only have low cholesterol once! I’m not gonna waste the best four years of my life like you did. I’m-a gonna eat all the effin’ nachos I damn well please, with extra cheese and black olives! Booya. To top it off, I’ll turn my Led Zeppelin up. Way up! You hear that, Dad? Ramble On, And now’s the time, the time is now, to sing my song! Do you even get it, Dad? It’s called a metaphor. I learned all about them in my Literature of Depressing Peoples class. Geez.”

GDD

Hey! Here’s your chance to live in a three-star Retirement Community while you’re still young! (If you’re lucky enough to be among the limited number of rising sophomore admitted into the Home, that is). Why three-star, you ask and not, say, four-star? I mean, GDD’s not located in the Florida Keys or anything, and nobody cleans after you following a lavatorial mishap (read: you have to clean your own bathroom, Robert Downey Feces). But, that doesn’t mean the walls aren’t really white! And there are inspirational posters all over! How could you ever fear death in a place like this? You may or may not have your own room, a sun roof (blessing in disguise: you’ll have to sleep wearing 45 SPF sunscreen), and there’s air-conditioner, to keep your metaphorically hot nights of passion (with self or with others) from ever turning physically sizzlin’! Yum!

The Language Houses

If you want to be un-American, go right ahead. Enjoy the warmth of a multilingual household, enjoy the unlofted beds, the kitchen, and being off the meal plan. Just don’t look so surprised when the Office of Homeland Security drops in for a little visit. You had it coming, traitor. Cold War’s still pretty hot on this campus, Russian House.