Five Olympic events to watch for in Vancouver

By Ben Freeman

Ice sex:
With the huge popularity of the drama-filled ice dancing competition, the inclusion of ice sex as an Olympic event is widely seen as the next obvious step for ice skating in the Olympics. Currently on the fringes of accepted sport, ice sex is stylistically similar to ice dancing in format (one compulsory routine set to standard music and two open programs) and in judging. Competitors are scored according to technical and artistic standards, and high degree-of-difficulty moves are rewarded, while slips are automatic deductions. Speed-skating hurdles:
In an effort to spice up the often monotonous long-track speed skating events, speed-skating hurdle events will be offered at most distances and in relay events. This is a simple sport, in which speed skaters gracefully skate at speeds of up to 30 mph and frequently vault over hurdles placed on the ice.

Heavyweight figure skating division:
A common criticism of figure skating is that all competitors are slight women or gay men. The former will be addressed shortly by the addition of a ƒ?oeheavyweightƒ?? division in the womenƒ?TMs competition, allowing bigger girlsƒ?” those weighing more than 80 poundsƒ?” to put on tight sequined outfits and bravely attempt triple salchow-triple lutz combinations in front of the judges.

Synchronized bobsled:
Following the lead of the summer games, several ƒ?oesynchronizedƒ?? sports are popping up in the Winter Olympics. Expect the synchronized bobsled to rise to prominence in time for Vancouverƒ?TMs Olympics in 2010. The event takes place on an extra-wide bobsled track and features two sleds hurtling down the track in tandem, matching each other move for move at 80 mph while avoiding contact.

ƒ?oeGrab-bagƒ?? cross-country skiing relay:
The already-packed cross-country skiing schedule is likely to be further enlarged by the addition of this light-hearted relay featuring novel styles. The relay consists of four legs, one of which is skied with the racers facing backwards, the second in ƒ?oethree-leggedƒ?? style, the third with a burlap sack covering the skierƒ?TMs lower body and the final leg raced wearing ridiculous skin-tight uniforms. The inclusion of this event will likely delay the appearance of cross-country snowboarding at the Olympics until at least 2014.