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Evidently there was some kind of election on Tuesday. I really have no idea what that was all about, but my friends all told me to go yo, so I went. They didn’t talk too much about who they were going to vote for. So I actually was a pretty nervous dude. Like, I got up there, and got my ballot whatever. I had no idea what to do.

It was like everyone knew who we were supposed to vote for. I had no freaking idea. They had that rally or something, but I don’t remember who was there, except for that Kerry guy. What a shriveled old douche. He’s got a lot of nerve coming back around here after losing that election for us hardcore last year, waffler.

Anyway, I got that ballot, and there were no letters next to the names. We were supposed to vote for R. Kelly, right? I thought he was still in the closet, he’s done like 22 chapters of that crap, but if “The Body” pulled it off, why not the dude from the chocolate factory?

And those Board of Education people? I had no idea about that. I voted for one chick that had a name that sounded hot. We definitely have enough women in politics already, but not enough hot ones.

And everyone was telling me to vote, but I was like “808 pride, yo.” What about my home state yo? How’m I supposed to lose the love? A little presumptuous, I would say.

Anyway, it’s not my fault that I don’t know who to vote for. It’s all fixed now, though. Those same people who kept telling me to vote are telling me who to vote for too. That’s mad convenient.

Matthew Won ’09 is a satirist for The Mac Weekly opinion section. Contact him at [email protected]