By David Jonas

Let me begin by stating how much I respect the Republican Party. In the wake of recent political scandals, it’s trendy to forget the core values most Americans share with the GOP. I admire deeply the GOP’s steadfast belief in fiscal responsibility, military strength, and bumper stickers on SUV’s showcasing support for the troops and magically increasing the SUV’s fuel efficiency by 35%. Nevertheless, I must solicit to my Republican brethren, a call to eliminate the great cancer holding moderates back from embracing the conservative agenda: people who happen to be conservative. It is not easy for me to say this: Republicans, by pure coincidence, are the ugliest, meanest, and downright unpleasant people on the earth. Sure, their heads are in the right place, but their physical imperfections and inability to experience human emotion make things awkward for everyone. Recent studies have shown that Republicans are 85% less likely than the average person to graduate from high school, and 298% more likely to commit a hate crime in the next six months. It’s hard to argue with these numbers, especially considering they come from recent studies.

Still, empirical evidence can’t hold a torch to topical anecdotes. Let me provide you an example: my latest run-in with members of the pro-life movement. I respect the movement’s successful grassroots campaigning and ability to articulate their position to voters. I mean, who wants to kill babies? Not me!

Unfortunately, the more vehement members of this movement scare me. Really badly. Like the way over-aggressive chimpanzees scare me.

On one of my more casual jaunts with my girlfriend to Planned Parenthood, I was approached by two young go-getters protesting against abortion outside. They asked me about my thoughts and opinions on the issue.

“You know, I’m kind of on the fence,” I answered.

“You’re a real piece of shit,” one replied.

Needless to say, I was quite turned off by the whole ordeal. I was also turned off by their crooked teeth and telling physical features indicating recent bouts with childhood obesity.

Now, I understand many of my conservative readers are, at this point, quite unhappy with the tone of this article. I imagine one saying, “But Jonas! We have majority control of all three branches of the federal government! How can you be so upset with our personalities and physical deformities?”

My answer to imaginary Steve is this: what is more important? Being poltically successful, or being coooooooooool? The extra o’s indicate increased coolness.

Democrats today live a life of unbridled luxury we meek humans can barely imagine. High atop their West-End ivory towers, they sip fine scotch whilst receiving oral pleasure from Hollywood’s finest.

These liberals claim the moral high ground by supporting federal funding for homeless shelters, yet at the same time, have no qualms about paying $4,000 to consume human children during a week-long orgy known by insiders as Passover.

What little power they have, the Democrats use in style. In the past two weeks alone, I have been kicked in the crotch by several Democratic Senators on separate occassions, only to be told by my attorney, it is against the law to even mention suing Ted Kennedy. Tre’ sexy!

And don’t even get me started on those pinnacles of advanced civilization, the Green Partiers. We normal Americans have to pay $3 dollars a gallon for gas, while they coast by in life on two-wheeled, peddled-powered super-gizmos. Retail price for these pollution-less duo-cycles: $18,000.

So, I leave you here with a simple request. If you are one of the charismatic, wealthy conservatives of this country; a man or woman with a golden tongue and chiseled jaw, I beg you to take back the party you deserve. It seems a shame to waste such well-developed political ideas on people who, God bless their hearts, lack the necessary brain power and social skills to make a real difference in the world.

NEXT WEEK

GAY MARRIAGE: GOOD PROBLEM OR BAD IDEA?

Please remember, David Jonas hates everyone equally