David Jonas raises your blood pressure (again)

By David Jonas

With the latest volley in the abortion debate coming out of the respected, sparsely-populated state of South Dakota, our country seems for the first time in years, at the breaking point in this controversial issue. On one side, you have the pro-lifers, who believe that fetuses are people too, albeit tiny ones, and on the other side, you have the pro-choicers, who believe that a pregnancy is a matter between the mother and her doctor, not the government and its lobbyist-sympathetic law-makers.Traditionally, though, men have shied away from really weighing in on the issue. Me and my compatriots in the male sector often couldn’t care less, because, as a great deal of scientists will tell you, we can’t get pregnant.

To this, I say poppy-cock! In truth, we men hold more power in the issue than any other gender in the world. Take a look at the gender breakdown of your favorite branches of the federal government:
Supreme Court: 88.888888% Male
Congress: 86.2% Male
Executive: 98% Male (Hey, he was a cheerleader in college)

When you consider the likelihood these three branches may get together and form some sort of federal abortion law, it makes you feel like us manly men are actually in control of the issue. Which is true. And awesome! Which is why I am calling upon men all over the country to get involved now, at this crucial and rare man-favoring period in history. From Washington to Jefferson to G. Harding, our great country was made greater by the actions of men, and we mustn’t forget it.

I, myself, am pretty vehemently pro-choice. While I do believe life begins at conception, I also believe that people are going to be people, and that to go back to a time when women could not claim control over their bodies would not only be foolish, but extremely dangerous. Plus, abortion jokes aren’t as funny when you can’t have one performed safely or legally.

For a long time, I was pretty lazy on the pro-choice. Then, I got dragged to a huge NARAL dinner in DC where I was literally one of two males under the age of 18. Janet Reno, schmoozing with the crowd, spotted me and specifically came up to me.

“It’s so good to see young men like yourself out here supporting a good cause. It’s so rare.”

“Actually, I’m just here to lose my cherry.”

I didn’t really say that, but I did talk to Ms. Reno for a while about the youth pro-choice movement, and she was so articulate and encouraging, I was hooked. Today, I do my part for the movement by decorating the school cafetorium for the Choice-O-Rama dance and hitting on the various members of NARAL.

To be honest, I came to my own feelings as a male on the issue by thinking creatively. Imagine you are a guy, and you notice one day that you are pregnant. You don’t know how it could have ever happened. The first thing you’d probably do, after trying to cover up the fact that you’re getting fat, is to run and see a doctor and try and figure out where the hell the baby was going to come out of. And if need be, you’d probably want the ability to let a doctor guide you through your options.

The funny thing is that this analogy isn’t too far off from the way women, especially young woman, experience pregnancy. In Brazil, where abortion is illegal except in cases of rape and overriding concerns of health, hospitals in poor, urban neighborhoods are, every single night, clogged with young woman bleeding from trying to perform illegal abortions. They are scared, confused, and above all, desperate to not be found out because of family and societal pressure. Planned Parenthood estimates that over 250,000 women in Brazil require medical attention from trying to perform an illegal abortion every year.

Regardless of how you feel about abortion, being a guy is no excuse for not getting involved. We men are going to decide who wins this battle, and dammit, its time to use our influence to make a difference for once.