By David Jonas

As we seniors drag our collective knuckles towards graduation, we are forced to wrap up the loose ends of our collegiate lives. The Honor Projects must be completed, the major requirements must be fulfilled, and the incriminating photos on Facebook must be erased before future employers see them.

One particularly stressful aspect of senior departure is that of the relationship. You love this person dearly and appreciate the unfathomable heights of ecstasy they bring to your genitals, but sadly, you’re heading for Bangladesh to study international banking, while he/she is headed to Canada to save those dumb, dumb beavers.

So what to do? Prove that love exists and remain together while separated by an entire ocean? Or should you cherish the last moments of a glorious union with the knowledge that it is better to have loved than never at all?

The answer, dear friends, is NEITHER! Drop that sorry sack of organs and bones you call a significant other and get to fornicating!

Just think about it! You only have six weeks left to be a college student! OH GOD, THIS COULD BE YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO NAIL SOMEONE HOT! JESUS-HELL! THERE ARE LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE TO DO!

DON’T YOU WANT TO HARPOON THE SALTY GERMAN?! TO ENVELOP THE FLESH BATON?! TO ORGIFY THE STUDENT BODY IN AN ORGY-LIKE ORGY OF–

Whew! Got a little too excited there. No use wasting bodily fluids on myself when there are so many other people to do it on!

Many of you in relationships are probably scoffing at my proposal right now. Scoff scoff. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Scoffington, I dare ask, is your relationship really that well off? Do you never fantasize about breaking up with your special man/woman/transsexual and using your emotional distress to seduce that same man/woman/transsexual’s much hotter friend?

The fact is you’re in a relationship only because you have no excuse not to be. In a recent study of Minnesota college students in monogamous relationships, 78 percent of those surveyed reported that they’ve considered cheating on their partner, 85 percent said they’d tried to break up with their partners at least once, and a whopping 97 percent said they would, if convinced they could get away with it, murder their partners, cash in their life insurance, and use it to attract someone more attractive.

Just imagine a Macalester where everyone is single! No sickening displays of public affection, no depression once you discover your crush is already involved, and best of all, no regrets about drunken hook-ups lest they be with the ugly or disease-ridden!

In the interest of full disclosure, I must note I have a vested incentive in seeing my utopia come to fruition, me being a single, lonely shell of a human being and all. But do I not speak for the silent majority?

Men! Are you not tired of society’s stranglehold on your sexual promiscuity? Are you not tired of the world always telling you that you can only have sex one partner at a time?

Heterosexual women! Are you not frustrated that every attractive male is either taken, gay, or an egotistical prick who writes offensive articles in the student paper?

With the end so close, my fellow seniors, I humbly ask, “Is your soul mate worth more than the six-week orgasm-swap that is the remainder of your collegiate life?”

I think the answer is pretty obvious. Oh dear God is it obvious…