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The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

David Jonas Neuters Nature

By David Jonas

As spring unfolds before us, most Americans are reminded of the splendor of nature: its fantastic beauty and our great responsibility to protect the environment for generations to come. But as a small minority of much more intelligent and morally correct Americans will tell you, this is just another one of those convenient lies we’re force-fed by the pro-environment lobbyists intent on protecting Nature’s rather large penchant for twisted sexual perversion.

For the past five million years, we’ve been the proverbial prostitute to Mother Nature’s pimp. She has seen fit to parade us about the Earth, exploiting our bodies, hearts, and minds in a sick, cruel game of survival and forced mating. But much like the people we Americans have oppressed in the past, we too are now breaking the shackles of Nature’s forced servitude and breeding habits.

The last few millennia have been particularly successful for us as we have gone from timid hunter-gatherers to rugged industrialists capable of taking precious natural wonders, bending them over a chair, and doing horrible and demeaning things to their dignity. Many are convinced, as a result, that we humans have the upper hand in the battle against Nature. This is nothing but foolish pussy-talk. Nature has done an incredible job convincing us of our own superiority, and is, as we speak, laughing heartily at our false bravado. Sure, we’ve pointed out the dangers of global warming, air pollution, and undercooked pork, but how seriously do we take these all-encompassing threats? We folly around worrying about terrorists, illegal immigrants and fetuses, when the real danger is that living, breathing, incestuous tyrant we call Mother Earth.

Now, I know there are a lot of “enviromentalismists” out there who will tell you we are not in direct conflict with Nature, that it is a symbiotic relationship in which we can both benefit. To this obvious poppycock, I say, “Poppycock! Have you ever seen sharks have sex?”

Yes, one need only examine how sharks have sex in order to know Mother Nature is a power-deranged mistress intent on locking its inhabitants in an evil game of Sexual Mortal Kombat.

The male shark begins by digging its teeth into the female shark’s dorsal fin and dragging it into deeper water, presumably so no one can hear her scream. Next, the male uses its knife-sharp penis to tear open a passage to the female’s reproductive organs. Finally, they engage in a 30-second bout of theatric flailing, blood and bodily fluids everywhere.

Now why would Mother Nature be so intent on subjecting sharks to such barbarism? In their book, A Natural History of Rape: Biological Bases of Sexual Coercion, biologist Randy Thornhill and anthropologist Craig T. Palmer argue that this kind of violent sexual behavior is a genetically advantageous behavioral adaptation.

In English: Nature likes seeing sharks have violent sex so much, it multiplies the numbers of the most effectively violent-sex sharks so Nature will never be short on violent shark porn.

Much like Kobe Bryant, Mother Nature has used strategic public relations in covering up its sick, sexual perversions. Just take the “natural” disaster of Hurricane Katrina for example. Nature claimed victory for the deaths and displacements of thousands, when in fact, it was our terrible foresight, inability to maintain levees, and general hubris that made it one of the worst man-made disasters in American history. If we’re going to beat Nature, we can’t let her take credit for all we’ve accomplished.

So what to do? Here’s what I propose: every time nature tries to strike us, we hit back with everything we got. A tornado’s threatening eastern Oklahoma? Nuke the shit out of it. Tidal floods destroying homes off the coast of San Diego? Pump out all the water possible and then nuke what’s left. Erosion in the cornfields of Iowa? I think the solution is obvious.

And most importantly, if we are to win, we must maintain our morally pure, Puritan perspectives on sexual reproduction. Because if we’ve learned anything it’s that sex may be necessary for survival, but to engage in it for pleasure’s sake only helps Mother Nature get her sick rocks off.

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