The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

The Student News Site of Macalester College

The Mac Weekly

David Jonas insults you and your Student Organization

By David Jonas

Amnesty International: Francisco Garcia is set to be hung in 24 hours. Only your hand-written letter can amuse the mailroom clerk before heƒ?TMs executed.Ultimate Frisbee: Itƒ?TMs great to go to one of their parties, see everybody making out, and realize the womenƒ?TMs team hasnƒ?TMt showed up yet.

Trads/Sirens: You know, Madonna sings and dancesƒ?Ý

MacSoup: Homeless people need your soup, not lazy college-kids.

Chanter/Banshee: Hey, you wrote a poem! Thatƒ?TMs super! Hereƒ?TMs a lollypop.

Fresh Concepts: You pride yourselves on your ability to make up things on the spot without prior preparation. Try listing that as a personal asset on your rAcsumAc.

Mac Clabbers: Go Fcuk Yuorselves.

WMCN: Making Clear Channel stock look like a smart investment for decades to come.

Macalester Association for Sub-Continental Ethnic and Cultural Awareness (MASECA): So, thatƒ?TMs like China, right?

Queer Union: I got caught for that once and Iƒ?TMm pretty sure itƒ?TMs illegal in every state except Massachusetts.

NARAL: Chief Justice John Roberts? Check. Justice Sam Alito? Check. Justice Ann Coulter? Well, we can only hope.

CHEEBA: If we legalize marijuana, whatƒ?TMs next? Alcohol?

S!P!A!R!K!: Vigorously defending your right to smoke in ways the tobacco lobby, with its $185 million annual budget, canƒ?TMt.

Proud Indigenous People for Education (PIPE): Upon further examination, PIPE is not a pro-marijuana or pro-tobacco organization. Still, they deserve your support.

Mac Gaming Society (MGS): Just because you have sex more often than me doesnƒ?TMt make War-Hammer 3000 any cooler.

Mac Object Manipulators (MOM): I totally fucked your MOM.

Adelante!: AltaVista Babel Fish translates this phrase to mean ƒ?oeto of before!ƒ??

Bad Comedy: Iƒ?TMd make a clever joke here, but only the six people who saw the last show would get it.

Model UN: Can I play Kofi? Why the hell not?

Mac Christian Fellowship: If I donƒ?TMt accept Jesus as my personal savior, am I going to hell? Can you at least fake it like you care?

Habitat for Humanity: Building homes for the poor and disenfranchised is only going to give them further disincentive to ever do it themselves.

Mac Greens: .1percent of the vote in the last presidential election! Wow! Thatƒ?TMs so bad!
Do you see the period in front of the one denoting a decimal point? Jesus Christ! I mean, the Constitution Party beat you out by more than 25,000 votes, and those people are crazy-bat-shit insane! Man oh man. Yikes. Thatƒ?TMs really embarrassing. Seriously.

Mac GOP: A student-run organization in full support of a President whose 2007 budget seeks to cut education spending by 4 percent. How ironic.

Mac Dems: Look at it this way: America would rather have an ex-alcoholic, cocaine-using draft-dodger Republican as president than a Democrat who actually fought in Vietnam. Maybe you guys need to rethink a couple of things.

AIDS Awareness: Yeah, Iƒ?TMm pretty fucking aware at this point.

Mac Knitting and Sewing Club: Youƒ?TMve got to appreciate their spunk. Theyƒ?TMre going to knit and sew and they donƒ?TMt care who gets in their way.

Women in Science and Math (WISM): Clearly, the fact that this student org exists at all is a testament to the ongoing undesirability of the male members of these fields.

Mac Catholics: Yes, the Pope was a member of the Hitler Youth, but remember, he didnƒ?TMt inhale.

Mac Cares: This org advocates energy conservation and clean technologies on campus, which is why people donƒ?TMt care when endangered birds fly into the windmill.

Massage Club: Sure, they say theyƒ?TMre all about therapy and education in an open environment, but you take your pants off for just a second, and suddenly they wonƒ?TMt touch you anymore.

The Mac Weekly: Who are you interviewing this week in the Spotlight? Some douche senior Iƒ?TMve never heard of? Fantastic.

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