David Jonas insults you and your Student Organization

By David Jonas

Amnesty International: Francisco Garcia is set to be hung in 24 hours. Only your hand-written letter can amuse the mailroom clerk before heƒ?TMs executed.Ultimate Frisbee: Itƒ?TMs great to go to one of their parties, see everybody making out, and realize the womenƒ?TMs team hasnƒ?TMt showed up yet.

Trads/Sirens: You know, Madonna sings and dancesƒ?Ý

MacSoup: Homeless people need your soup, not lazy college-kids.

Chanter/Banshee: Hey, you wrote a poem! Thatƒ?TMs super! Hereƒ?TMs a lollypop.

Fresh Concepts: You pride yourselves on your ability to make up things on the spot without prior preparation. Try listing that as a personal asset on your rAcsumAc.

Mac Clabbers: Go Fcuk Yuorselves.

WMCN: Making Clear Channel stock look like a smart investment for decades to come.

Macalester Association for Sub-Continental Ethnic and Cultural Awareness (MASECA): So, thatƒ?TMs like China, right?

Queer Union: I got caught for that once and Iƒ?TMm pretty sure itƒ?TMs illegal in every state except Massachusetts.

NARAL: Chief Justice John Roberts? Check. Justice Sam Alito? Check. Justice Ann Coulter? Well, we can only hope.

CHEEBA: If we legalize marijuana, whatƒ?TMs next? Alcohol?

S!P!A!R!K!: Vigorously defending your right to smoke in ways the tobacco lobby, with its $185 million annual budget, canƒ?TMt.

Proud Indigenous People for Education (PIPE): Upon further examination, PIPE is not a pro-marijuana or pro-tobacco organization. Still, they deserve your support.

Mac Gaming Society (MGS): Just because you have sex more often than me doesnƒ?TMt make War-Hammer 3000 any cooler.

Mac Object Manipulators (MOM): I totally fucked your MOM.

Adelante!: AltaVista Babel Fish translates this phrase to mean ƒ?oeto of before!ƒ??

Bad Comedy: Iƒ?TMd make a clever joke here, but only the six people who saw the last show would get it.

Model UN: Can I play Kofi? Why the hell not?

Mac Christian Fellowship: If I donƒ?TMt accept Jesus as my personal savior, am I going to hell? Can you at least fake it like you care?

Habitat for Humanity: Building homes for the poor and disenfranchised is only going to give them further disincentive to ever do it themselves.

Mac Greens: .1percent of the vote in the last presidential election! Wow! Thatƒ?TMs so bad!
Do you see the period in front of the one denoting a decimal point? Jesus Christ! I mean, the Constitution Party beat you out by more than 25,000 votes, and those people are crazy-bat-shit insane! Man oh man. Yikes. Thatƒ?TMs really embarrassing. Seriously.

Mac GOP: A student-run organization in full support of a President whose 2007 budget seeks to cut education spending by 4 percent. How ironic.

Mac Dems: Look at it this way: America would rather have an ex-alcoholic, cocaine-using draft-dodger Republican as president than a Democrat who actually fought in Vietnam. Maybe you guys need to rethink a couple of things.

AIDS Awareness: Yeah, Iƒ?TMm pretty fucking aware at this point.

Mac Knitting and Sewing Club: Youƒ?TMve got to appreciate their spunk. Theyƒ?TMre going to knit and sew and they donƒ?TMt care who gets in their way.

Women in Science and Math (WISM): Clearly, the fact that this student org exists at all is a testament to the ongoing undesirability of the male members of these fields.

Mac Catholics: Yes, the Pope was a member of the Hitler Youth, but remember, he didnƒ?TMt inhale.

Mac Cares: This org advocates energy conservation and clean technologies on campus, which is why people donƒ?TMt care when endangered birds fly into the windmill.

Massage Club: Sure, they say theyƒ?TMre all about therapy and education in an open environment, but you take your pants off for just a second, and suddenly they wonƒ?TMt touch you anymore.

The Mac Weekly: Who are you interviewing this week in the Spotlight? Some douche senior Iƒ?TMve never heard of? Fantastic.