Britney Spears and Ryan Phillippe should do it

By Eric Anderson

The other day I was perusing GoogleNews entertainment, as I am wont to do, and learned of several distressing celebrity breakups. Britney and K-Fed. Reese and Ryan. As most did on that grey, sinister day, I openly wept reading the news. All I could think was, “What went wrong?” and “Where can they go from here?”

The first break-up cannot be described as “surprising” or “unforeseen” or even “odd”. Kevin Federline is gross. He’s from Fresno. Nevertheless, it’s sad that baby Jayden James will not remember the pleasures of his nuclear family, and any of Sean Preston’s recollections will almost certainly be erased by past and future blows to the head.

The Reese and Ryan break-up was, according to the websites I’ve been reading, more unexpected. R&R were better groomed. Cleaner. Decidedly not gross. They were like a nice little evangelical couple I could outwardly accept, but secretly hate. I don’t know anything about their kid(s?).
But what are these hot new singles to do? Have a moment of quiet reflection on the sanctity of marriage? Fuck no, it’s time to ICE-SKATE. Britney took a moment at Rockefeller Center to show that, with a few exceptions, she’s just you’re average twenty-four year old. Instead of being poor, disillusioned, and working in a service industry she’s a fantastically wealthy pop-star who just divorced her husband via text message. But throw her out on the ice and she still knows how to get down with the get down. Some reports have her off-balance and possibly intoxicated, but I think she was just thrown off her rhythm by those huge birthing hips (someone had to say it).
I have no idea what Ryan Phillippe is doing, but I know what he should be doing. Britney Spears. Let’s go through the benefits for you, Ryan: 1.)More cushion for the pushin’. Britney’s cavernous vagina is ready to be explored by any intrepid, play-it-by-ear penis who has the wherewithal to enter it. Why shouldn’t that penis be yours? I saw you in “Cruel Intentions” man, pretend she’s your step-sister and get it done. 2.)You need to take advantage of her barely intact psyche and physique while people still remember a time when many teenage boys considered her really hot. Unlike Britney’s former lover, she is not bringing sexy back, but rather slowly letting it slip through her pudgy, post-natal fingers. Make it happen now Ryan, while you’re friends can still say “Dude…that’s so crazy!”, instead of just “Dude…”
Alternatively, Reese Witherspoon and Kevin Federline should not do it. Though Reese does seem to have that “despite my virginal appearance, I’m a wildcat in the bedroom” vibe, Kevin Federline is still really gross. Come on Reese, reasons you should not take him to bed: 1.)No one, including yourself, wants to think about it. Nevertheless we’re doing just that, and I don’t know if I could handle this being anything more than a grotesque, masturbatory fantasy. 2.)It’s pretty likely you will be very drunk, misuse contraception, become pregnant, and refuse abortion (say what you will, Reese is old fashioned and K-Fed is potent). In the event this happens, not only will there be ANOTHER little Federline to lock in a Malibu mini-mansion, but you’ll have to deal with the guy to arrange who has to feed and clothe him/her. That would suck; he seems like a douche.
In summary, this is just like the beginning of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Lysander and Hermia (Ryan and Britney) will inevitably do it and no one can stop them. Demetrius (K-Fed) will lust after Hermia to no avail and will not, under any circumstances, have sex with Helena (Reese). The difference is we live in the real world. Have you heard of it? It’s called America. And here there aren’t any magical fairies to meddle with the affairs of men, Helena will remain unfulfilled and Demetrius will turn to hard drugs and prostitution until Hermia stops paying his blackberry bill and he hits rock bottom. The Bard wouldn’t be proud, but I am. So very, very proud.