By Liz Scholz

So you’re out at a bar, and one of your friends orders an obscure brew that tastes like pure liquid joy, and you can’t help but think, “Wow. You are so cool. I wish I could be cool like you.” Well, now you can. It’s easy. Just follow these three simple steps and then you can be the Beer Snob at the bar.1. Avoid anything with “Light” in the name. Lite counts too. This means you’re more concerned with your figure than enjoying a good full-bodied brew. Light beer means less calories, which we all know means less taste. Brewers make this beer for people who want to be cool and drink when everyone else is drinking, but you know better. Light beers aren’t cool.

2. Fill yourself with a healthy hatred for fruity beers, or “beers.” Seriously. There’s a time and place for fruit, but it’s not in serious beers. I’m thinking of Leinenkugel’s Berryweiss-it says you’re trying too hard to like beer, but you really just want to drink a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. If you want to be like your 15-year-old sister, then stick with Mike’s. But if you want to be cool, avoid it. Except maybe the Smirnoff Triple Black one. It’s actually quite good but not a lot of bars have it.

3. The more hops the better. Hops directly add to the flavor of beer, bitterness (note: IBUs, or International Bittering Units, as Beer Snobs call it), and aroma. Brewers say that hops balance the sweetness of malt, so there’s merit to saying they are both important. But if you want to be cool, you have to sacrifice some integrity. Hops can get very overpowering, and if you show others that you like it, seek it out and they will have respect for you and your taste buds. More hops = more hardcore = more cool.