Band-Wagon Nation

By Nate Wilson-Traisman

Sunday was a sad day for Major League Baseball, but a happy day for bandwagon jumpers. The Red Sox (that’s right) won their second World Series championship in four years. Yankee haters, prepare yourselves for an even eviler empire.With the Yankees’ loss of manager Joe Torre and the departure of MVP favorite Alex Rodriguez, the Sox appear destined for years of American League dominance. The days of the cutesy, underdog Red Sox are no more. With a hefty payroll and millions taking rides in their bandwagon, the Sox have developed an eerie resemblance to the great Yankee teams of the late ’90s.

Yet there is still one, glaring difference: they don’t win with class. Boston has won 95 plus games in three of their last four years, but one would never know it based on the way their players, front office, and fans carry themselves. To baseball purists, the Sox act is getting old, fast. That said. drum roll please, because here are ten reasons why I hate the Red Sox and you should too.

10. Fever Pitch: Need I say more?

9. $143 Million: Yep, that’s their payroll, which is second only to the Yankees. And with A-Rod gone, that gap is bound to close fast.

8. John Henry: Was the noise really that unbearable in the owner’s box, John? For those that don’t know, John Henry was seen with his fingers jammed in his ear holes as the Sox were on the verge of winning Game 2 of the World Series. Please, would George Steinbrenner ever do that? I think not. John, please stay at home if you can’t handle the noise.

7. The Bloody Sock: Whether or not it was real blood is irrelevant. So Curt Schilling won a game with a bum heel. Big Deal. It’s been three years and FOX still reminds us every time the Red Sox play.

6. Josh Beckett’s Soul Patch: Evidently, Josh didn’t get the memo that soul patches aren’t hip or intimidating.

5. Boston’s Bullpen Music: Apparently the Sox relievers think they’re playing for the Dominican Republic in the Little League World Series. When did it become cool to bang on bullpen walls? It isn’t, it never has been, and it never will be. Again, an example of the Sox trying to be endearing and “happy go lucky.” It was semi-tolerable in ’04. That was three years and two World Series ago. Bullpen, please stop.

4. Everything About Curt Schilling: There is not sufficient space here to properly address the problem of Curt Schilling. Nevertheless, he makes it in at number five. I’m tired of him thanking god, I’m tired of his blog and I’m tired of his jowls. I could write ten pages on why he’s an awful human being, but I’ll spare you.

3. Manny Ramirez: Listening to the man in an interview is almost as painful as watching Fever Pitch.

2. Palpelbon’s River Dancing: Jonathan Papelbon is from Louisiana. He is of German descent. Why then, does he insist on doing Irish dances every time the Sox win a series? Once more, it’s not cute. It’s just obnoxious. Nothing has ever given me a greater desire to bathe with a toaster. Great, there are lots of Irish people in Boston. It’s not an excuse. There are lots of Jews in New York, and I don’t see Derek Jeter doing the horah (a Hebrew dance) every time the Yankees win a big game. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Sox fans would find that too amusing.

1. Red Sox nation: For only $14.95 you can become an official member! With the membership, you receive a membership card, a bumper sticker, and a commemorative Red Sox publication. Is no one else disgusted by this? If you are a member of Red Sox nation, you should be ashamed. You should be forced to wear a sign around your neck that says, “I am a fake fan.” A membership card, in no way, justifies a devotion to a team.

Period.

After the 2004 World Series, then Red Sock Johnny Damon had this to say: “We know we’re idiots, we know we’re cowboys, but we also know we’re world champions.”

Unfortunately, three years has seen little change (cowboys?). Hopefully in the off-season, the front office can see to it that some of that idiocy be replaced with a little class.