Ask Alice

By Alice Anigacz

When I first read your question, my response was a NIMBY-esque NIML (Not in My Library). However, I later realized that I have not entered the library since that day way back in September when it was giving out free mugs, so, I’m all set to help you in your sexcapades. Your first issue is location. A reliable source who will remain unnamed told me, “Fourth floor, the back—trust me, nobody goes there. Moan. Moan.” As you might be able to tell, she is very credible, since her advice was collected in the act of Fourth Floor library banging. She and her partner have actually gotten bored with restricting themselves to the back, and have been inching towards the front, testing their limits. By next week they should make it to the counter of the Info Desk. Feel free to ask them for advice then.

Anyway, even though the back should be abandoned, you will still want to take precautions. Invite a mutual friend along to stand guard as he or she pretends not to watch you two. Post an ad asking for a volunteer in the good ol’ Mac Weekly if you fail to find a willing friend. I can think of someone who would be willing to pay you (or barter sexual favors) for this opportunity. At the very least, you should be able to solicit the help of the aforementioned couple that is already going at it. Organize a schedule with them where you can take turns having relations and guarding for each other.
As far as position goes, you will probably want to go for good old doggie style. So that clothes don’t get to be an issue, make sure your partner wears a skirt and skips the underwear. If you want to go all out, you should wear a skirt, too. Call it a kilt and say you are embracing Macalester’s Scottish heritage if anybody asks.
You will want to practice super-speed thrusting before you carry this out, to make sure you can get the job done quickly. You should get something out of this, even though your girlfriend probably won’t. Not to mention, if your girlfriend is still living in the era where she expects you to care about her pleasure and give her some foreplay, she will just have to get over it. She cannot be expecting much pleasure if you two are just trying to get the job done as quickly as possible, anyway. Perhaps she thinks the fact that you are doing it in the library will be enough to bring her to orgasm. Trust me, it won’t.