By Alice Anigacz

What should I do if I suspect my boyfriend is gay?

Since this is Macalester, where you have to wonder if gay marriages are being counted in the 60 percent of Macalester students that purportedly marry each other, you should accept this. On a side-note, I hope same-sex marriages are being counted, because if they are being counted separately, then basically all Mac students marry other Mac students. But, back to your boyfriend. Never let him figure out that he is gay. Face the facts, what are the chances of you finding another man? The ratio of men to women, which is already especially daunting for first-year females (44:56?!), becomes even more disheartening when one takes into consideration the number of gay or might-as-well-be gay students. Just be happy that this homosexual is willing to ignore his innermost desires and keep having unsatisfying sex with you. Besides, we all know that like women and minorities, homosexuals will only be three-fifths of a person if our government continues in its current direction. You wouldn’t want your boyfriend to officially be less of a person than he is now, would you?

How bad is social smoking?

You’re going to die. Not slowly and painfully, but before you make it to your own graduation. There is no documented case of social smoking that has not led to chronic smoking. That first walk by the Grate should give you a hacking cough, which will escalate into chronic bronchitis and emphysema after you have your first cigarette. Once you are part of the Smokers Making It Impossible to Pass by the Library and Carnegie Club, you will have full blown lung cancer. Your last cigarette and dying breath will probably be on one of your three o’clock in the morning cigarette outings in front of your dorm.