A senior critiques Macalester


As a senior, I feel that I have an obligation to pass on my experience and wisdom with the underlings. I was going to write an op-ed encouraging Macalester’s student body to consider prioritizing self-reflection above all of its other activities. But because this seems to me to be a fruitless venture, I am going to have to launch into a more virulent critique of the school. Macalester’s students may only number around 2000, but these are 2000 sinners who dance on the gates of Hell ever so precariously. Their eyes are red from drugs and sleepdeprivation; they feed on homework and school-boosterism. Caffeine, trucked in by the ton, is the addiction of choice; the Grill greedily supplies students with inhuman levels of energy. Cultural differences are bridged with jittery lunacy. But to what end, I may ask, to what end? Let us envision the blood and gore that paves the walkways of 1600 Grand Avenue. We see that Macalester’s students are quick to anger, for one sarcastic op-ed in the Mac Weekly draws wrath unseen since the Great Rollover Debacle of 2012. The halls of this hallowed school are painted with blood from a collective aneurysm that has served its purpose in re-coating Old Main’s red bricks at no cost to the school. The misery is truly endless – and the hunger for knowledge is so insatiable, only cannibalism can naturally follow. We watch as students disappear, one by one, fed on the third floor of Carnegie to the savage mouths of the Economics department. Brosef Stalin (Brian Rosenberg) wields the harsh whip of community service, and regularly sends the weak and (non?)conformist to re-education camps that are euphemistically called “work-study.” He raises enormous sums of money to build the gilded cage that holds us all. As the snow and ice and finals set in, mobility becomes impossible and the emotional wreckage becomes immovable. It is well-documented that the cost of institutionalization after Macalester is equivalent to the initial sticker price. But who will believe you when you innocently spout these facts? No one; and you are condemned to shut your mind and be a good, evil Macalester demon. But who fights back against the sin and the slavery, the depravity and the wickedness? They are few and far between. But some of us are aware. Some of us are awake. Some of us are off-campus. And you, dear reader, will be the first to have your back against the wall when the Revolution comes. refresh –>