I came to Macalester expecting a community of free-thinkers. What I got instead is a herd of sheeple unable to see the truth. No, it’s not the fluoride-laced water in the hydration stations or the chemtrails sprayed daily over the lawn (though those are worthy of looking into as well). The conspiracy I bring forth to you today, I regret, goes far deeper than that. There’s something that’s gone over the head of the whole student baaaaaaaah-dy (get it, because you’re all a bunch of sheep). You know that rock you guys keep on painting? Well I’ve got news for you, buddy. There’s a bigger rock on campus.
Drag your cloven hooves down to the front of Olin-Rice, trot down the steps to the sitting area, see for yourself and then bleat about it to the rest of the barn. Maybe while you’re there, you should step inside the building and enroll in a science class where you can learn about observation and measurement.
What’s that? You want to keep on painting your little pebble? Granite, I acknowledge that it’s not in as central a location, but onyxly I think that’s a pretty flimsy excuse. Think about how gneiss it will be to have a larger canvas. Our campus’s rock art could be bigger and boulder than ever before. In fact, sometimes letting go of the old and starting on a blank slate is for the better. It will increase our campus’s excitement for sharing news and events, renewing our sense of pumice. Imagine a campus where the announcement of a new event is the talc of the town and marbled by all.
Of course, simply switching rocks won’t be as sedimentary as it sounds on paper. We have a whole feld of opponents to spar ahead. Prepare to be defamed by traditionalists set in their gold ways; believe me, pieces of schist will be their kindest words for us. The school administration may not take to change too kindly either. It is possible that a pioneering artist will be accused of vandalism, potentially being taken to the quartz. Though the road ahead will be a rocky one, we must never lose a silver of hope. After all, when have passionate reformers ever shaled?