Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, I would bet that in your life you have, in some way or another, encountered that age-old haunting question: how do lesbians have sex? To update this question for specificity and clarity, we will interpret this question as: how do two people with vaginas have sex? Look no further, my children, for the answer lies within this very column.

Let’s begin with a discussion about why even the updated version of this question is problematic. What is the motivation behind such a query? Vaginal-vaginal sex (henceforth acronymed to VV sex) makes cis/heteronormative people’s heads spin because our culture’s dominant sexual narrative centers around the penis. One need only look at the sexual language used by adolescents to prove this point. “Going all the way” refers to penis-in-vagina intercourse, while digital (fingering) penetration and oral sex are relegated to “third base.” Teenagers speak vulgarly about “sticking it in” and “getting it wet.” Virginity is only considered “lost” after penile penetration occurs. Guilt-ridden and horny religious adolescents will engage in oral, anal, and every other type of intercourse and consider themselves virginal and sinless. Often, as discussed in a previous column, the entire point of sexual intercourse is penile ejaculation, with everything else (read: orgasm of the penisless partner) considered a special bonus. The question, then, has less to do with actual sexual activities involved in VV sex and everything to do with a more fundamental ignorance: why even have sex without a penis? How do you know when the sex act is completed if there’s no penile ejaculation to signal success? A common refrain: VV partners will always be virgins, technically.

Virginity, as most of us know, is entirely socially constructed and rooted in misogynistic traditions of marriage transactions. Virginity defined as a perforated hymen is mythic, as many people with vaginas don’t have hymens, and many more “break” their hymens at a young age during routine play. If any definition can be assigned to the concept of virginity, it would have to be self-defined and thus unique to each individual. For my part, I define the loss of virginity as the point at which a person consensually orgasms in the presence of another person, who may or may not also orgasm. I define sex in much the same way, though sex acts can occur with or without the presence of another person. With these definitions of virginity and sex, the original question becomes ridiculous. How does VV sex occur? It occurs in whichever manner the participants wish. This same answer can be applied to all sexual partnerships: how does penis/vagina sex occur? How does penis/penis sex occur? See above. A single delve into pornography or erotica should convince you of the fact that there are as many ways to have sex as there are humans on earth.

Maybe this answer is unsatisfying to the explicitly curious few. As I identify with your sexual curiosity, I will indulge your question here, though keep in mind the first half of this column and the wide range of sexual practices among humans. Let’s start with a basic statement that, depending on your knowledge, will induce exasperated eye-rolls or astonished gaping mouths: scissoring is not a thing. This statement, I’m sure, will bring all the VV sex participants who do engage in scissoring out of the woodwork and into my inbox to prove me wrong. As this column is an absolute dictatorship, I refuse to amend my previous statement with a “mostly” or a “usually.” The act of intertwining one’s legs with another person’s legs in a confusing mess of limbs that resembles interlocking scissors for the purpose of mutual genital stimulation is something that occurs once, when the VV participants are feeling adventurous and/or intoxicated, and is quickly dispatched for literally any other position. (Clarification: this is not to say that mutual genital stimulation does not occur, it just clearly doesn’t occur in the scissoring position). While we’re on the topic of myths: VV porn intended for a straight cis male audience is the only environment in which pointy acrylic nails are enjoyable during digital penetration. In fact, among queer vagina-havers, a sure hint that another person with a vagina might “play for your team” is the state of their fingernails. Any cishet reader should feel privileged to have access to this top secret queer intel, brought to you by yours truly.

So I know what VV sex doesn’t include, you might be thinking, but that doesn’t answer the original question. Fine. VV sex, like all other types of sex, can involve any of the following, alone or in combination: digital penetration of the vagina or anus, sex toys (including but not limited to vibrators, buttplugs, strap-ons and dildos) for penetration or external use, external genital stimulation without penetration, oral contact with the genitals or anus and mutual masturbation. The sex is over when both parties agree that the sex is over, which can be after zero, one, two or more orgasms. Voilà! A non-phallogocentric view of sexual intercourse!

In conclusion, the next time someone asks you or a friend how lesbians have sex, you can now give them a simple answer. “First of all, I think you mean two people with vaginas. Second, they have sex the same way everyone else does.” And then launch into a speech about the patriarchy. That always makes me new friends.
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