For our third column, the Rachels decided to switch things up a bit. Instead of just telling you puns, we’re going to tell you a story! Here’s a college love story: sandwich edition.

We follow our protagonist Loopy, a college student like many of us.

I. Loopy: The Kawl3g3 Life

We all know that kid, who’s super sloppy, just got out of bread, still kinda loopy from the night before. He loafs around Cafe Mac like he owns the place. And like, for cereal?! Who does he think he is? Probably a bran-new frosh. Thinks he’s special (k) or something.

Then, across the waffle station, he saw her. Everything about her was perfect, butter eyes melted his feeble heart. He was coco for her!

II. The Only Good Sandwich We’ve Made So Far

A quick google search helped Loopy, the lovestruck college kid in his romantic pursuit.

Three simple steps to win your significant other’s heart…err, stomach:

1. Romance and France rhymes. So give them a sandwich made out of a croissant and say “Baguette yours now.”

2. Then say something about french kissing, or just do it.

3. Try a pick up line! Or six!

“I’d never be in a jam with you.”

“You’re berry good to me.”

“You can whip my cream.”

“I would even whip out my best sandwiches for you.”

“I wanna milk your affections for me.”

“A toast to you! It’s the yeast I could do.”

III. Do-not

Unfortunately, Loopy’s love story didn’t last very long. He got this letter a few days after their first date. Here’s the break[fast] up letter:

Dear kid,

I’m sorry but we’re over (easy). I didn’t know you were so loopy. You’re bacon it hard to communicake (cake is like a donut, right?). Hole-y crap. I just can’t stomach your cheesiness. Literally. You’re just sub-par. It’s out of (ba)consideration for our best interests. I wish I were yolking. I’m sure you already know eggsactly what I’m talking about. I doughn’t know what to do with you and I am beginning to think you might be a cereal killer.

[Translation: In short, the first sandwich was messy. Cereal all over the place. The second sandwich was delicious. You just can’t go wrong with whipped cream. And the third sandwich fits its role in the story as well. It was terrible. The eggs were mushy and the donut was too sweet.]