Last week, Amy Lebowitz [’15] published a skillful takedown of the romanticized abuse masquerading as entertainment in Fifty Shades of Grey. This is a much needed follow up, in which I aim to provide an accurate representation of BDSM (unlike what is shown in the movie) and to fill in the BDSM-related holes in Lebowitz’s article. While there are many, many different forms of BDSM, I will focus specifically on the types of BDSM practices misrepresented in Fifty Shades of Grey.

It is imperative to provide an accurate picture of BDSM because when performed unsafely, as in Fifty Shades of Grey, it can physically and mentally harm and, yes, even kill people. As I write this, a Swedish man stands trial for the manslaughter of his partner in a BDSM scenario gone wrong, and a college student in Chicago has been charged with sexual assault for a non-consensual reenactment of scenes he saw in Fifty Shades of Grey.

So, let’s talk about (kinky) sex, baby. BDSM is a three-part umbrella acronym for a group of erotic practices based in CONSENSUAL power and sensation play. The first is B&D, bondage and discipline. Bondage and discipline is what most people are actually picturing when thinking about BDSM. This can likely be attributed to pop culture’s insistence on depicting sex dungeons, whips, latex, leather and chains as de rigueur for kinky sex. In practice, bondage is the act of restraining a partner, whether improvised with scarves and a t-shirt or performed with leather harnesses and handcuffs. You don’t need a lavish Red Room of Pain to practice BDSM. It can be improvised wherever you are with available materials.

Discipline is the practice of rules and obedience, and can take verbal, physical and mental forms. It can include punishments for disobedience and rewards for obedience, but it never ever includes coercion, hostile threats, manipulation or intimidation techniques. Unfortunately, Christian Grey uses all of these BDSM no-gos to leave Anastasia powerless and totally terrified.

The D&S (also called D/s) stands for dominance and submission. This is the relationship that exists between Grey and Steele, although horribly bastardized. D&S is an erotic behavior in which the submissive grants the dominant control or power over them in a mutually-agreed-upon relationship. Submission, like consent, is something that must be given willingly and can be rescinded, no questions asked, at any point. Dominance is dependent on that gift of submission, and cannot be taken.

In Fifty Shades of Grey, Grey violates this relationship and forcibly renders Steele powerless through stalking, isolation and an unbreakable contract in which she has no say. That’s abuse, not dominance. In a healthy D&S relationship, there is always a safeword and the terms of the relationship are mutually agreed upon by the dominant and the submissive. That conversation usually takes place outside of an erotic interaction so both partners are able to clearly convey their desires and dislikes and give their informed consent before entering a sexual situation.

S&M represents sadomasochism, the erotic practice of giving and receiving pain. It often involves activities like consensual spanking, piercing, biting, or using implements like wooden spoons, crops and Wartenberg wheels. Like any BDSM practice, it is as intense as the partners decide they want or don’t want it to be.

In any BDSM play, open and constant communication is vital, as BDSM play can be emotionally and physically taxing. After play is completed, partners frequently perform aftercare, which includes checking in with each other and taking time to recover emotionally and physically from play.

The governing rules of virtually all BDSM practices are SSC and/or RACK (just in case you haven’t gotten enough acronyms yet). Fifty Shades completely ignores these essential parts of BDSM play. SSC stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. Safe means that there are appropriate safety precautions for the type of play happening, and that the play is being performed safely. For example, in an S&M scenario involving spanking or hitting, safe would mean avoiding danger areas like the lower back and neck, and never hitting a joint, as they can be easily damaged. In a bondage scenario, safe would mean that there are scissors within reach if someone were to become entangled or trapped in rope, tape or leather. Safe also means adhering to a safeword system, to stop all play at a moment’s notice if anyone wants it to, for any reason. A common safeword system works like stoplights: red for stop now, yellow for proceed with caution. Safety includes making sure that communication is open and clear between partners, and practicing safe sex.

The next S stands for sane. Sane means that the participants in play are in a place of making good judgements and not under the influence of drugs or alcohol that could impair their ability to consent and to play safely. The C, last but not least, stands for consensual. Every participant needs to give their informed consent, period.

RACK, or risk-aware consensual kink, is the acronym that covers activities that fall outside of the “sane” part of SSC. These are activities where the health and safety risks are inherently higher, like unprotected sex, bloodplay, paddling, electrocution, asphyxiation, suspension and other extreme BDSM activities. RACK means that all parties involved understand the associated risks and are able to provide fully informed consent before participating.

In closing, BDSM can be a wonderful part of your sex life if you want it to be. But before you decide to dive into BDSM, remember to educate yourself (but not by watching Fifty Shades). You can’t just go around hitting people with leather and wooden implements without doing some basic research into technique and safety. You or your partner(s) could get seriously hurt, and not in a sexy way. You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!

For some excellent BDSM resources, check out:

• The Smitten Kitten
• As Kinky as You Wanna Be: Your Guide to Safe, Sane and Smart BDSM,
• The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge.

For additional resources, questions, or comments, please contact the author at the email below.